closure...?

This was a very interesting weekend, to say the least. It started with a night out with Roomie. We went to my bar, and it was like the twilight zone it had been so long since I was there. Saw a bunch of the old favorites, including the long-lost George Clooney look-alike. Yum. Talked to some friends, enjoyed the city's best gin and tonic, danced like an idiot. Overall things went well, until the end of the night...Roomie fight of catastrophic proportions. I don't actually want to talk about it, just going to say that it resulted in me walking the mile or so home in my 4 inch heels, crying. And the details are fuzzy anyway, so I probably couldn't tell it right. Things are cool now, it probably needed to happen.

The REALLY interesting thing happened Saturday morning. I was laying in bed regretting the last gin and tonic when my phone rang. ICB's name was on the caller ID, and in my haze I decided to pick it up. We ended up talking for an hour and a half. It was literally like the clouds had parted and the sun was shining through. We were actually able to have an adult conversation that didn't suck for either of us.

It blows my mind the way our communication has broken down since the break up. I went about my business, and his unwillingness to even talk to me on a superficial level made me think that he just did not give a rat's ass. Turns out he has been having a really hard time, thinking things through, asking everyone and their mom (and HIS mom) their opinions, etc. He claims that he is never dating again, because he "doesn't want to go through that again". I laughed and told him he will be fine. In fact, I laughed a lot, and in a good way. We talked about friends and family, and other things we used to talk about. I think it is much easier/healthier for us to make baby steps towards being real-life friends than to keep up the online bullshit.

I feel so much better about the situation now. And it brought me some serious clarity. I can't hate him, and I don't think that I will ever regret our time together. I can't say that I didn't mean it when I said I loved him, or that I was "wrong" in thinking that I wanted to marry him. What I do realize though, is that I would have been settling. We probably could have made it work, and I may have been happy. There were a lot of good things there, but it wasn't the kind of fit that I want. It's funny, and scary at the same time, to think that these decisions we make are so serious. It is hard to not think "what if" or question yourself at the time, but I think you just have to go with your gut. I do wonder if I did the wrong thing by leaving him, but I wanted more. I wanted a wild and passionate love, with someone that I was compatible with who was as crazy about me as I was with them. I was willing to risk being alone to find these things. ICB was "safe". He is not a passionate person, not inclined to do impulsive things. He moves slowly and thinks everything through. He is amazing and will make some woman very, very happy some day.

And me? Well, that remains to be seen. But I have never been happier about taking a risk before in my life.