The Ex Files

Exes have been on my mind a lot lately, in relation to how they affect the relationships that come after them.

To recap, I dated ICB for a little over 2 years, we broke up last May. I have had other relationships, but this was my only "major" one. WS dated his ex, who I will call GAM (cause she's the girl he almost married) from the time he was 16 until he was 24. They broke up in August of 2007. The history there is so long and complicated you wouldn't even believe it. I could write a freaking novel on all the stuff I know about them and my thoughts and opinions on the situation. But that is beside the point.

The point is, how much information about past relationships needs to be shared? And how much do those experiences shape the ones that come after?

I find myself between a rock and a hard place on this a lot. I mean, I am fascinated by relationship dynamics. Always have been, I think because I grew up with just my Mom, and never observed that many relationships, since she didn't date much. So, my curiosity makes me ask questions about WS and GAM. I want to know what might apply to us, where he is coming from, how to avoid doing the things she did that drove him away. Then inevitably I unearth some kernel of information that I wish I hadn't.

I make no bones about it, I am a jealous person. Every day I wish I weren't, but it is my reality. I don't want to think about WS with anyone else. I don't want to know details, or have mental images. I just don't deal well. He, on the other hand, is so far from jealous it makes me jealous (har har). He feels open about everything, and rarely understands when I tell him that he said something I consider TMI. Then I feel bad for making him think he should censor himself. I never feel a need to share much, unless it explains how I feel about a current situation, but maybe I am too closed? It is a slippery slope, my friends.

ICB had never had a real girlfriend. He was that guy that casually hung out, had the occasional hook-up but was too busy doing boy shit with his frat brothers to focus on finding a girlfriend. He is very all-American boy and I used to like that about him. I would lament about his lack of relationship experience when it became obvious, and say that I wish I didn't have to be the first for all the stuff that comes along with that. Now I wonder, which is worse? Someone with no past, and therefore has no clue about how to handle things, or someone who knows it all too well because of a long history? Obviously this is in abstract theory, and not as in ICB vs. WS.

I know that WS's history has done some really amazing things for us. As has mine. We both realize how special what we have is, we know what we want and need, and what we can't handle or put up with. These are all good things to know, and for that I am grateful to ICB and GAM. Hopefully I can learn a balance, and learn to accept that GAM is a part of WS's past, and therefore a part of him. I need to realize it is the past for a reason, and that what matters is us in the present, and hopefully the future.