Scarlett Off Course

coincidence

2009-04-02T17:15:00.003-04:00

This morning, I was taking Cutest Dog In The World out for his morning pee, and on the way back I ran into Roomie and Shakespeare on their way to class. Rhett barked at Shakespeare, which I found hilarious. I mean, he knows and likes him, but I swear he can tell that I don't like him anymore. Roomie, of course, literally turned her back on me.

Then, at lunch today WS and I were taking him out again, and I was telling WS about seeing them...and they came around the corner. WTF? I haven't seen them in forever, and now twice in one day? WS waved, and Shakespeare waved back. Poor guys, lost in girl drama they will never understand.

Taking this into account, as well as Gigi's opinion that some friends are meant for certain time periods, I am feeling much better today. I find that concept very comforting. I hope that I can come to believe it and look back on our time together with fondness and not anger.

Good grief, when I marry WS is this what my relationship drama will be like forever? Sounds SO MUCH like things I have said about BFs of the past.

April!

2009-04-02T00:54:00.003-04:00

Shit so I already missed a day of my blog-every-day-in-April goal...but only by an hour! I say that doesn't count.

So much going on, more than I can accurately write about.

I was talking to my good friend Gigi today, about the situation with Roomie. The best way to describe my feelings right now is to say that they swing all over the place. I go from missing her to the point of tears to thinking she is an immature brat that I am better off without.

She hasn't reached out at all. She has come by a few times to pick up things but doesn't acknowledge me at all. It's been a month almost. It breaks my heart. There are so many things going on in my life right now that I never imagined having to go through without her. I always thought she would be around, someone to cry to, be excited with, get opinions from. This weekend is the huge party that we always go to together. Three years, all the years she has been in school, we have gone together. It's one of my favorite nights of the year. Instead I will likely be spending it doing randomness with WS. That makes me sad.

I guess I am starting to feel the lonely set in. I know, I need to learn to be my own best friend. But it's hard. She was my last younger friend that would go out on a weeknight, or drum up crazy adventures with me. I guess I have to grow up now. I want to make new friends, but I don't know how to go about that.

I have this huge secret amazingness going on in my life right now, and I want SO BADLY to call her and fill her in. But I can't, and it breaks my heart.

OK I promise this April will not be filled with posts about my obsessiveness over my BFF break-up. I promise to come up with something better, I just needed to get that off my chest.

I had to come back and edit this. There is an Avett Brothers lyric that I keep listening to:

I have some friends
who don't know who I am
so I write quotations around the word friends
I have a couple, that have always been there for me

I sort of feel like this sums it all up for me. She accused me of not doing as much for her as she did for me, of not loving her or caring about her. Could she be any more wrong? Does she know me at all? If she did she would know that I felt the depths of her sorrow and the highs of her joys. That I worried and tried to help when she needed it. That I always wanted the best for her.

K, done now, promise :)

blog jump-start

2009-03-23T19:21:00.002-04:00

In case you hadn't noticed, my blog is dying. A slow, drawn-out, painful death.

I am not ready to let it go.

Sooo in April, I am doing my own NABLOPOMO (is that right????) and posting every day for the entire month. Or as close as I can get. When I did this in Nov. I really enjoyed it and it kept the blogging juiced flowing. So I really hope this works.

I am also struggling with the content of my blog. When I started it, I anticipated it being full of crazy single-girl stories and antics. My life at that point was filled with mens and drunken adventures. Now my life is full of love, mushiness, and picking out paint colors for my first attempt at cohabitation. And it's short one best friend. These are some serious adjustments.

I don't want to just always blog about how happy I am. But I also don't want to disrespect my relationship by blogging about things that could upset WS or make him feel over-exposed if he found my blog. And I am not ready to give up on my secret just yet. I enjoy having my own hidden place.

It's a fine line.

*********************************************

So while I ponder these issues, I will share a funny story. Not as funny as crazy drunken hook-up stories, funny as in lame and old, but hey. I wasn't going to share this, but WS-if you find and read this, I love you and tried to spare you so don't be mad :)

Last weekend was our trek to Ikea. Good god. That place is SERIOUS work. It was so exhausting, it required multiple snacks. My advice to anyone taking a trip to one is to put granola bars in your purse. That way you don't have to quit half-way through the process to reenergize like I did. However, we did drop a shit-ton of money and got tons of new things for the new apartment. I think it is going to look really nice and grown-up for a budget apartment. I remain incredibly excited about the whole thing.

The funny part was in the car on the way. We took WS's truck so that we could haul our shit home. We almost always take my car places, due to parking issues and my far superior driving and navigating skills. So I was bored, and started poking around. I realized I had never looked in his center console. So I started to open it. I spied a can of chewing tobacco and some other stuff. He flipped and put his arm down on it to shut it. Of course, this only made me want to look in it more. I gave him a piece of my mind on the chewing tobacco, but didn't really care since I knew he didn't buy it and it's not a regular thing. Plus we are both prone to smoking now and again so I can't judge. Then I asked why he didn't want me looking in there, since I already knew the dip was in there. He gave some awkward response. I continued to pry so he said fine, open it. I did, and I started to move stuff around and tease him about the little puppy sculpture from his much-younger sister. Then, I saw IT. And I shut the lid instantly and made another lame joke about the dogs.

His ex-fiancee's engagement ring.

In his truck console.

Holy shit. I knew he had it, and I also know he has taken it back to wherever he got it from and they are giving him credit for it to use towards my ring. We are broke, and I don't care about that. As long as he didn't give me that particular ring I don't give a shit. But why is it in his truck? Does he keep it there all the time? How long has it been there? Let's also add in to this equation that he NEVER LOCKS HIS DOORS. Never. WTF?

I am pretty sure he doesn't think I saw it, but if he does oh well. I am dying to go back and get a better look at it. I was so shocked I didn't see much, just the general shape and the setting. I didn't get a good feel for size.

Those that know me know I am a huge jewelry nerd. I consider myself to be really knowledgable on the topic, and to have really good taste. In fact, I definitely know more than I wish it did, as it makes my own ring situation much more complicated than I wish it were.

Her ring? Absofuckinglutely tacky.

;)

so much excitement

2009-03-12T14:32:00.002-04:00

There is a lot going in my life right now. A whole lot.

Starting with the apartment...I have one! W0000! At least, I am 95% sure, pending my first check from new job being what it is supposed to. WS and I went and looked at it Monday. Its sooo cute. The best part? I get my own office. We are painting it yellow. I get my own BIG ASS closet. Biggest. Closet. Ever. And my own bathroom. Life is good. There are 2 patios, both of which lead right out to a deck and grass, so taking the dogs out will be so easy and fast. It is brand new, which is also exciting. Pool, workout room (finally!) and TWELVE miles of walking trail that our unit looks out over. I am so excited. We move in 2 months and 2 days!! Or at least start the moving process then.

Along with this new apartment goes the challenge of furniture. Or, I should say, the challenge of wanting all-new furniture on a tight budget. I think we have it all worked out, providing Ikea cooporates! We are taking a road trip there next weekend. I cannot wait!!! New desk, chair, TV stand for new TV, and coffee table. Plus stuff for my new bathroom. I live in a college town, I cannot understand why we don't already have an Ikea?? Seems stupid. Anyway, WS and I have had so much fun planning all of this, and I am really excited to build our home together.

Roomie and I are still on the outs, and I am sure we will remain so. She has pretty much moved out. I am enjoying living along for now, since it could be my last chance to do so! I am feeling strangely free after all this. I never realized how draining our relationship was at times. Worrying about her, dealing with her crazy mood swings that poisoned the apartment, the competitiveness I could never understand, etc etc. Not to say I regret anything, but I kind of feel like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Weird. I think I have learned a lot about women these last few weeks. Mostly that I don't like them nearly as much as I thought I did. I always cherished my female friends, but now I just don't know. Maybe I could do with fewer. That, of course, does not include my bloggy friends or the lovely Gigi!! Her friendship has meant a lot to me through this series of bitch fights the last few weeks!

The other night I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. I stretched out and it dawned on me that my sleeping-alone days are seriously numbered. I started to freak out a little. I mean, this is a BIG DEAL. I am not second-guessing this decision, just realizing the magnitude of this change. So, I am going to do as much as I can between now and then to get my fill of living alone! This will probably include lots of dance parties with The Cutest Dog In The World (yes, he dances), wandering around looking like crap with unwashed hair and ugly baggy clothes, eating weird combinations of food, etc etc. Should be a good time :)

Lastly, I still love my job. People should never ask me how I like it, because the answer includes the word "awesome" about 50 times. This is no joke. Heh.

48oz of Heineken and the end of an era

2009-03-07T01:28:00.002-05:00

It's Friday night, and I am blogging. I am blogging because I have nowhere else to go, no one else to talk to about what just happened in my life.

Things are over with roomie.

Let me remind you that roomie is someone that I consistently refer to as my BFF. My rock. My life partner. We have lived together for 3 years now.

I know what you are thinking. Girl fight, over emotional, things will pass and smooth over. Right? I promise you folks, not this one. Not this fight, and not this friendship.

Have you ever had a friend break-up? That is what I am dealing with here. When you love someone, and you find out that they don't feel the same, and haven't for awhile-is there a worse feeling in the universe? Is there any way to feel any lonelier than when you realize that the ONE person you felt closest to in the world is gone? Romantic or not, it sucks.

I am so hurt by this situation I can't even begin to explain. I feel stabbed in the back, I feel like an idiot, I feel really angry. You can say a lot of things about me, but I am a damn good and fiercely loyal friend. I am learning that not everyone deserves loyalty. Some people are spineless, immature, and insecure.

I might come back and post more details, or I might not. I don't know. All I know is that I am 75% sure she is moving out. She already took her cat.

And so a new chapter in my life begins.

gonna whine for a second...

2009-03-05T17:38:00.002-05:00

Today is just one of those days. I am in a funk, and for no real good reason. Well, there are reasons but they aren't good ones. There are some job-related dramas that WS is going through. Fortunately the problem is too many options, not too few, but for some reason it has me bummed out.

The other thing is the apartment hunt. It is sucking, big time. With our budget and space needs, it is just beginning to seem impossible. We started out with 4 solid options, and one of them was knocked out for a few reasons. Then another got knocked out today, and it was one I really liked. For a second, I thought we might have found it with that one, and that we could go ahead and sign and be done worrying about it. No such luck, they are playing hard ball. Bastards. So that leaves us with two choices. One of them has a TERRIBLE location. The traffic would require a Valium prescription. For real. The other one is probably not going to happen due to budget constraints. Fuck budgets. They are lame. I shouldn't be complaining, since my budget is a lot healthier than it could have been, but now that WS and I are living together and we have 2 dogs, etc and I need a home office area it's just hard.

I am struggling with Roomie today. Just one of those things where I am annoyed for no particular reason. I just want some space from her I think. I don't know.

There are things to be happy about right now for sure. For starters, my Aunt's surgery went well. That in itself is a huge blessing. I still love my new job. I am learning SO MUCH and from some seriously talented and intelligent people. My new boss is awesome. Working from home is awesome. WS and I are discussing furniture, paint, and all the other fun and cute things that come along with moving in together in approximately two and a half months. I also told him about the Brides Against Breast Cancer event and he thought it was a great idea. Many things to be thankful about.

Instead of focusing on those, I think I will go mope a little and let myself feel whiney and down for the evening. Tomorrow morning at six a.m. I am leaving with my boss for a meeting in a town an hour and a half away. Yikes. But hey, I was invited which was an honor I wasn't about to turn down! This weekend I am going out and doing a few other things, so hopefully I will have a cheerier and more exciting post soon!

Random Thought Monday

2009-03-02T10:43:00.002-05:00

RT 1) I lurve my new job. Like really love it. I am going to be SUPER busy which makes me really happy. I am so much more productive when I am busy. Plus its 10:45am and I am in my robe, drinking coffee with a cat in my lap and The Cutest Dog In The World asleep right next to me. My new boss is really cool, and the work is really interesting. Yay! Makes me really happy about the future.

RT 2) There was some SERIOUS drama at my old job last week. It was awful. One of those times when you are just disgusted with how petty people can be. I was smacked in the face with the realization that people are a lot more shallow than I thought, and that I have fewer actual friends than I thought. I try really hard at work to be positive and friendly. I know I don't always succeed but I would NEVER be mean just for shits and giggles. It really hurt my feelings to learn these lessons and leave on that kind of note. But whatev, they can take their lame dead-end jobs and shove it. I'm done.

RT 3) WS and I looked at an apartment last week and are looking at another this week. It was so fun, and I am now really excited about this move. I am looking forward to a bigger place with a second bedroom for my office. I am looking forward to living with WS and his dog. Hopefully we can find a good place, but right now it looks like we are going to have to choose between location and layout/amenities. I have never had to make that call, and I am not sure what to do.

RT 4) Last night WS said we would be engaged before Aug 13th. Eeek! That is really coming up soon. Then today I heard about this thing called Brides Against Breast Cancer. It is a big dress show, where you can buy dresses for huge discounts and the money goes towards BC research. It is coming to a city really close to me in mid-Sept. I am going to talk to my Mom about going, since my Aunt is currently battling BC. Her Mastectomy is tomorrow (was supposed to be Friday but she got sick). I love her so much, and I want to do EVERYTHING I can to show her support. I am planning on training for the Race For The Cure, and going with her and her daughter to get pink ribbon tattoos. Family is so important to me, and I have always been really close to her. Anyway, I am excited about the dress thing since I know I will be on a tight budget, and don't have any real expectations/specific dreams about a dress and it will help BC. If anyone knows anyone else dress shopping, pass on the word! The website is http://bridesagainstbreastcancer.org/. It goes to a lot of different cities.

RT 5) WS and I went to THE MOST AMAZING brunch place EVER yesterday. I was so lame and exhausted all weekend. I did nothing but sleep, which is unlike me. The brunch thing really cheered me up and made me happy. I love finding fun local places to support. This economy really has me thinking about where I choose to spend my money, there are so many places that need the business. I would much rather spend it at a place that supports local farmers/food merchants than a chain. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Plus I enjoy discovering new reasons to appreciate my city, since I complain about it enough!

the return of random thought monday!

2009-02-16T15:40:00.002-05:00

Well, I know it's been a hot minute...but random monday is back!

RT1) In case you didn't notice the pink and red explosion this weekend...it was Valentine's Day on Saturday. I am a take-it-or-leave-it type when it comes to this "holiday". I love pink, and I love any excuse to give/receive presents, but at the same time I think people make it in to a WAY bigger deal than it should be. I am also opposed to romantic cliches in most any form. WS had some job interviews, and I accepted a babysitting job, so we celebrated late Saturday/all day Sunday. We shared a bottle of wine Saturday night and exchanged gifts. He got me some really cute things that I had mentioned wanting, I love that he listens to little things like that. Sunday we got up and went to a near-by ski place and did some snow tubing. Neither of us had ever been, and it was a blast. I consider this to have been a very successful Valentine's Day!

RT 2) Last week, in celebration of my new job (and partly out of necessity) I got myself an iPhone. Best. Invention. Ever. How have I lived this long without one? I have been obsessed with Apple products for a really long time now, and this one may just take the cake. I am considering asking Apple to marry me. Seriously. My current phone is through work, and is the same one that construction workers carry. Texting on it blows, and being seen in public with it blows(I know, I am vain) . So this has been a welcome change. I also am selling my iPod touch that ICB gave me for my birthday last year on eBay. I am getting a sick sense of pleasure watching the bids on it. I hardly ever used it, and the fact that he gave it to me tainted it. I was so thrilled when I received it, it was a total surprise and really sweet of him. Thinking about all that makes me want to barf, so I say good riddance.

RT 3) I did it. I asked WS if he wanted to live with me in the fall. Eeeeeeeeee! I thought about it all weekend, and stopped myself from asking a few times. I just could NOT get it out! Finally, last night, I just did it. He reacted just like I thought he would. He said he would be really uncomfortable not being able to contribute equally, but that he would love to. So we are working on all that, but it's a go! I am a little annoyed, because he has numerous times offered to support me while I go back to school (once he graduates next May) and yet he won't accept the same, in a much smaller form. Although, I would have had a hard time accepting it too.

One of the (million) of things that makes me really happy about this is that we share the same attitude about the whole thing, which I was nervous about. I never saw myself cohabitating without being married, so this thought has been a big adjustment to me. I do know that the only way I can do this if it isn't a "trial" to see how well we live together. Instead, we are going in to it thinking "we are getting married next summer, and this is a way to start adjusting to that process/get to spend more time together".

I am an only child, and I know this will be a big change for me, but I am just so excited. Now I have all these wonderful daydreams about our apartment, and how great it is going to be to build our life together, to go to sleep and wake up together every day. Sigh.

OK well I have various other things...but I think I will save those for later in the week. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

cohabitation?

2009-02-12T15:11:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about cohabitation since I got my new job. I think I want to go for it. I will be working from home, and I think working at home and living alone might be enough to drive my social-interaction-needing self completely insane. Plus, with the raise I will be able to afford a bigger place. WS currently lives at home with his parents about 45 minutes away and commutes to the law school which is right next to me. I know it would be so much easier for him to live here in town. Plus I just want to be around him all the time. It is looking like we will be engaged soonish, and it just seems like why not? He stays at my house a lot as it is.

We have talked about living together a ton in relation to getting married, etc. but never about specific times. Lately it has seemed more imminent, like we aren't talking about years from now. I just think it would be so amazing for us to have a place together, and to have our dogs, and start our life as a family. I know he would never bring it up, since I would be the one paying rent. I want to ask him if he would think about it/consider it. It would still be about 6 months away, but I figured we could start planning, etc.

Is this crazy? I feel so open and honest with him about things, but every time I start to bring it up I choke. I feel like a guy about to propose. I figure he will say yes, but what if he says no?? Any advice?

MEEEEEEEEE!!!!

2009-02-10T14:37:00.002-05:00

Remember that scene in Legally Blonde when Elle gets the internship? I hope you do, otherwise that title makes no sense.

I feel like that right now.

I got a new job. An absolutely kick-ass new job. A job so amazing, that if it were possible to be jealous of yourself I would be. I am not going to go in to tons of details, but it is working for an awesome, innovative company whose work I believe in. The job is low on the totem pole but there is a ton of room for growth. Plus I work at home most of the time, get more vacation, and more money.

Somebody pinch me.

I feel like I am FINALLY starting my adult life. I finally have a direction for all my ambition. I finally have something I can throw myself in to and care about. There are no words for what that does for my mental health.

This means a lot of changes in my life. I will have to learn to work from home and be self motivated. I may ask WS to move in with me. I can start paying off more debts and saving more money.

Of course, it also means leaving my current job. My boss is out of town so I have not given my notice yet. That thought makes me want to throw up. This is such a small, family-type company, and I love these people. I don't want anyone to hate me. They won't see it coming. I wasn't looking, the job literally came out of nowhere. It was the Universe finally throwing me a bone. If anyone has any words of wisdom on quitting, let me know!!

I am really sorry for being a shitty blogger the past few weeks. It was our busy work time and then when this came up I didn't know what to do. I wanted it so badly that my life froze. I couldn't do laundry, couldn't think about my social life, nothing, until I knew what direction my life was going to go in. But I am back! For good! I promise to do better.

I suck. I know this.

2009-02-04T15:44:00.002-05:00

I promise I haven't given up on blogging. It's just that I have this crazy thing going on in my life that is kind of in limbo. I promise to come update soon, and share all the details. Or at least some of them.

This thing has taken over my mind and I cannot even get my laundry done until it gets resolved. Ugh!

I miss all my bloggy friends, and I swear I will be back, and a much better blogger, soon!

This is mayjah!

2009-01-15T09:21:00.002-05:00

So, my life might be about to totally change.

I have been wanting to go back to school ever since I graduated. I have flip-flopped and been really flaky about it. I have found reasons not to do it, and in fact my whole life I have found reasons not to do things, school-wise. I didn't want to go far for undergrad, and then I was going to transfer but I thought it was too expensive. So on and so forth.

Well, I think it is time. I am terrified. I think I am moving to a bigger city about an hour or so away. By myself. To go to school. Can you tell I am freaking? I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is to me. I have always been independent, to a fault sometimes actually, but for some reason I have not been able to push myself out of the comfort zone that I am in here in my college town.

I was planning on waiting for WS to finish school. We had planned on moving somewhere together, and I was going to just go to school then. Part of me still sees the upside to that plan (namely financially) but I think I have to do it now. My job is slowly killing my soul. It is mindless, and I feel so fucking trapped. Gigi is leaving in the Fall, and without her there I swear I will hate my life.

This all started when I picked up Roomie's Suze Orman book "Young, Fabulous and Broke" or whatever it's called. I was reading it to see if I could learn anything new for my Financial Revolution. She had a chapter were she urges the reader to do whatever they have to do to get in a career path they are excited about. She says it is the perfect time in life to do that, and in the long run whatever debt you incur will be worth it.

What am I waiting for? I want to start my life.

WS has been so amazing and supportive. He will move up there with me next May after he graduates. He promised to come and see me as many weekends as he can. He said it changes nothing about how he sees us or our future. I have never done the Long Distance thing, but I think it is a good thing that I feel comfortable and secure enough in our relationship to do it. It would only be 9 months to a year, and some of that would probably be after we are engaged. There is probably a post coming up about that situation sometime soon.

So here I am. I am trying to do some homework on the program, it is kind of weird. So I am asking around, and I also need to figure out Financial Aid and all that jazz. I would also have to decide if I want to move in May or August (August would be much smarter but would involve me living with my mother for two months...yikes) and figure out if I can find part-time work. I would need to sell my car, and I would need a new computer. So many details! I have to say though, it is exhilarating. The idea that I could be somewhere totally new in a few short months is thrilling. No more crazy work hours, no more boredom. No more wasting my time. On my way to an actual career that I think I will enjoy and find fulfilling. I am not 100% that I will do this, but I would say I am at about 80%. I just need to make sure the program isn't shit. Other than that, it looks like all systems are a go!

Wish me luck!

Random Thought Monday

2009-01-12T09:36:00.002-05:00

RT 1) This was the first weekend of my Sober Scarlett project. It was an interesting one for sure. It was made even more difficult by the fact that I was expecting to work Saturday and Sunday, and then magically got off Sunday. PLUS Roomie and our friend K were going to my second fave bar for 80s night Saturday and I really wanted to go too. Argh.

WS came over late Saturday night after being out drinking with some law school friends. He had a freak-out about us and it was basically an attack of insecurities. I won't go in to detail, but it was pretty ugly. I was hurt because I don't ever want to feel like he doesn't know how much I love him, and how much he means to me. I am so open about it that I usually feel pretty silly. But Gigi made a good point when she said that he is really open with me about his feelings and intentions and is in a vulnerable position. It is all resolved now but I was really upset. It is funny, I was glad to for once not be the one drunk and causing drama. He and I are so alike sometimes it is crazy. Also my first inclination was to leave. I always stayed at ICB's house, and have never had someone stay at my house so much. It was really a good thing for me to have to overcome that urge and deal with it and work it out. Practice for real cohabitation, I suppose.

I did realize that I don't want to give up bars for as long as I thought. If I give them up until April I basically just have a month or so left to go out with Roomie. She is my fave person to go out with, we have similar "rhythms" if that makes any sense, and I want to take advantage of the time we have left together. But I am giving it up for a few weeks.

RT 2) In addition to the lessons, etc. coming up in the Spring I plan on training for The Race For The Cure. I am NOT a natural runner, but I really want to do this to show my support for my Aunt. So as soon as it warms up a bit and stays lighter longer in the evening, I am starting the Couch to 5k running plan. I did it before, but I did it indoors and now I want to run outside. Mostly because I don't have the $$ for a gym membership! I am excited though to show her how much she means to me. I also seriously miss the exercise endorphins!

RT 3) There is some major drama going on at work. At this point I am pretty amused by it, but we will see how I feel after working 12 hour days all week! Our office is like a family, and we sometimes snap at each other. Oh well. I think I have some kind of sick Stockholm Syndrome thing going on. As much as I bitch and moan about my job, I always feel the need to stick up for it. I was complaining to my Mom last night, and she starting going along with it and I started standing up for my boss. WTF?? I crack myself up.

RT 4) If you haven't watched the Showtime series The Tudors...go do that now. Seriously. I just DEVOURED Season 2, and I am obsessed. Never before has Henry VIII been so damn sexy. Lots of crazy sex, lots of drama, it's fantastic. An the chick that plays Anne Boleyn is an amazing actress. OK thats my PSA for the day.

K thats all I got...off to Hell Week at work.

blogging about the happy

2009-01-10T11:07:00.003-05:00

I am happy. I really am. It is kind of ridiculous.

There are a lot of reasons. I think I will talk about them.

1) Lessons. I loooove lessons. I used to take jewelry-making lessons with a local jeweler I found through Craigslist. When I broke up with ICB and my life went crazy for awhile, I stopped taking them. BUT Little Miss Obsessive inspired me to email him last week, and we are starting up again! I am really excited about this. I am passionate about gems and jewelry. So much creative opportunity!

I wanted to get into some art classes at the local university, but I have to wait for the Fall semester. So I found that the local Y has a drawing and a painting class in the spring. So I plan on picking one and enrolling! They are 8 weeks. Should be fun! Even if I don't learn much it will get me going.

Then there is yoga. I took lessons for awhile last spring and loved it. I was having panic attacks, and I learned breathing techniques that helped so much. It just makes my body feel alive. Once again, my life starting going in all directions and I put it aside. Plus they are expensive. WS gave me a gift certificate for Christmas, so I am going back! I start in 2 weeks. Yay!!

2) I am going to get my own apartment in May. I know that is awhile off but I am SO. READY. It might be a shithole, I don't care. It will be mine. I want an apartment in an old house. I scour Craigslist obsessively, and just cannot wait until I can actually start seriously looking. I hate moving, but I love to nest so I usually enjoy the process overall. Plus no more roommate! I love Roomie, obviously, but it is time. I need more privacy. Our lives are entwined to a probably unhealthy degree. I wish she were going to be in town, but I am so happy to have a place of my own. I am sure WS will stay with me a bunch, but not all the time. I want to live alone. It will be glorious.

3) I am going on vacation. I don't know where or when, but I am totally going. WS and I have discussed DC, Colorado, Asheville, Charleston and some other places. It will depend on where he ends up this summer, but I can't wait! A break from this hell hole! OK hell hole may be a little strong, but whatever. We are going SNOW TUBING for Valentine's, which I am SUPER excited about! I hate Valentine's Day so this is perfect.

4) Obviously, I am happy with WS. I am sure you (all 2 of you who read this!) are tired of hearing about it, and I am tired of talking about it (OK that is probably a lie) so I will keep it short. Everything just feels so much...brighter. I was REALLY grumpy yesterday, and I sent him a text:

Scarlett: sorry for being grumpy, I promise to be over it when you get here.
WS: I was just thinking about how amazing you are and how lucky I am to know you. I love you even when you are grumpy.

Instant ungrumpification. Yeah, I made that word up. I have a tendency to get grumpy/fussy, it is probably my greatest fault. I hate it. I am kind of hot and cold I guess, but I try not to take it out on those around me, like I feel BOTH my parents do. Anyway, he just gets that and so far I am unable to be grumpy as soon as I talk to him. Also, last night he said he loves The Cutest Dog In The World like an adopted son. Swoon! I might be the luckiest girl ever.

So that is it. That is my happy. I am stuck at work today (Saturday) and tomorrow and a million hours next week, so I am focusing on the good. Thanks for letting me share :)

Inspiration Award!

2009-01-07T10:55:00.004-05:00

The oh-so-lovely Nora bestowed this award on me. I love to read her blog, we have so much in common! Yay for blog friends! Anyway, here are the rules:

1. Please put the logo of the award (above) on your blog if you can make it work with your format.
2. Link to the person from whom you received the award.
3. Nominate 7 or more blogs.
4. Put the links of those blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message on their blogs to tell them.

Think I will break the 7 one. I need to read more blogs! Any suggestions?? I want to give the award to:

Little Miss Obsessive-I love to read her blog, and I think she is destined for great things!

Gigi Knows Best!-She is always willing to discuss my current musings, and puts up with a lot of questions!

Turquoise Ribbons-I just started reading this blog, but I really enjoy her outlook.

Ok so that is a lame 3, but work is nuts this week so I gotta run...thanks again, Nora!

The Ex Files

2009-01-06T12:14:00.004-05:00

Exes have been on my mind a lot lately, in relation to how they affect the relationships that come after them.

To recap, I dated ICB for a little over 2 years, we broke up last May. I have had other relationships, but this was my only "major" one. WS dated his ex, who I will call GAM (cause she's the girl he almost married) from the time he was 16 until he was 24. They broke up in August of 2007. The history there is so long and complicated you wouldn't even believe it. I could write a freaking novel on all the stuff I know about them and my thoughts and opinions on the situation. But that is beside the point.

The point is, how much information about past relationships needs to be shared? And how much do those experiences shape the ones that come after?

I find myself between a rock and a hard place on this a lot. I mean, I am fascinated by relationship dynamics. Always have been, I think because I grew up with just my Mom, and never observed that many relationships, since she didn't date much. So, my curiosity makes me ask questions about WS and GAM. I want to know what might apply to us, where he is coming from, how to avoid doing the things she did that drove him away. Then inevitably I unearth some kernel of information that I wish I hadn't.

I make no bones about it, I am a jealous person. Every day I wish I weren't, but it is my reality. I don't want to think about WS with anyone else. I don't want to know details, or have mental images. I just don't deal well. He, on the other hand, is so far from jealous it makes me jealous (har har). He feels open about everything, and rarely understands when I tell him that he said something I consider TMI. Then I feel bad for making him think he should censor himself. I never feel a need to share much, unless it explains how I feel about a current situation, but maybe I am too closed? It is a slippery slope, my friends.

ICB had never had a real girlfriend. He was that guy that casually hung out, had the occasional hook-up but was too busy doing boy shit with his frat brothers to focus on finding a girlfriend. He is very all-American boy and I used to like that about him. I would lament about his lack of relationship experience when it became obvious, and say that I wish I didn't have to be the first for all the stuff that comes along with that. Now I wonder, which is worse? Someone with no past, and therefore has no clue about how to handle things, or someone who knows it all too well because of a long history? Obviously this is in abstract theory, and not as in ICB vs. WS.

I know that WS's history has done some really amazing things for us. As has mine. We both realize how special what we have is, we know what we want and need, and what we can't handle or put up with. These are all good things to know, and for that I am grateful to ICB and GAM. Hopefully I can learn a balance, and learn to accept that GAM is a part of WS's past, and therefore a part of him. I need to realize it is the past for a reason, and that what matters is us in the present, and hopefully the future.

Sober Scarlett?

2009-01-05T10:34:00.003-05:00

I think I have a drinking problem. I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I don't want to get to that point either.

My Friday night was a disaster. Epic disaster. I don't even know how to start.

I should maybe mention that I have been getting hit on lately like never before in my life. I don't want to sound full of myself, but it is a crazy phenomenon. I think maybe I am feeling a lot more comfortable in my own skin, and that somehow shows. Who knows why, and it doesn't matter.

I should also say that I never again want to feel like I am not attractive to men other than my boyfriend/husband/whatever. I felt like a 45 year old divorcee who had let herself go and then was slammed back into dating after ICB and I broke up. So I am making a conscious effort to dress up, watch what I eat, do my make-up, etc. and not just for WS. For myself. But I am struggling with that line. I am flattered by the attention when I go out, who wouldn't be? I like to flirt, who doesn't? I don't think I should have to sit at home (completely contrary to my nature) or sit in a corner at the bar if WS is not with me. That used to be ok when I dated ICB and went out with the girls. Shit, for that matter many times when I was single and man-hunting, I could go out and have no problems. It's just that lately I have encountered guys who are a lot more aggressive. They take it too far, and cross a line that makes me uncomfortable. I don't want anyone to touch me other than WS. Ever.

Friday night Roomie and I went to our regular bar. I drank way too much. I can't remember a good portion of the evening. I woke up feeling like things were ok. Roomie basically made me panic (for no good reason, it turns out) that I had done something terrible. I am so glad it turned out fine, and I know my heart and my intentions but I do not want to drink so much that I cannot remember/be sure. I never want to hurt WS and alcohol is not a good excuse. I should not drink this much. Period.

My Grandfather is an alcoholic. I don't want to get into that, but I never want to chose drinking over the people I love. I never want to feel like I don't know my limits, and that is how I feel. I love to drink. I love wine. I love to have a good time, I love to be social and I love to see live music. But I love WS more, and I love where we are. We had a long talk about it, and luckily no harm done.

So, I am giving up bars for a bit. Until I can figure out how to not get myself into precarious situations where lines could get crossed. Until I trust myself to stick to my limits. I think I am going to not go out until early April when my favorite party of the year takes place. I am ok with an occasional glass of wine or movie and drinks night at home, just no bars. It will be good for me! Less calories and more money saved. I am nervous, as I tend to feel isolated and restless if I don't get out, but I will have to find other ways to be social. I am old enough now to reprioritize. And I think I am giving up my favorite bar forever. It kills me, but I think I have to. The environment there is not conducive to me behaving well. I just go nuts. I know too many guys there, and have done too many embarrassing things. So on to new things.

Wish me luck!

Sorry to be so serious this Monday morning. Not random, unless I feel like doing Random Monday later. I hope everyone had a better weekend than I did! Well, I did take a little road trip with WS yesterday which was of course fabulous :)

2008 recap

2009-01-02T13:22:00.003-05:00

I saw this on a bunch of blogs and so I had to do one! I hope everyone had a good NYE...mine was so-so.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Ha, I cant think of much, but a lot of things I probably shouldn't have done...use your imagination.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Hmmm I don't remember what they were!!! So, maybe? I did make a few this year, and since they are on this blog I will have a record of them!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, I'm scurred of when that starts happening.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank God.

5. What countries did you visit?

None-I have no vacation time. Literally. Fucking lame.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

I would really like this year to be a little more *even*...not as tumultuous but still exciting. I would also love to be less broke.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory and why?

Three dates...5/17/08 (break up with ICB) 7/10/08 (met WS) and 11/4/08 (Barack is elected!)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

This was a big year for emotional achievements. I felt braver and more confident. All good things.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not doing anything active towards going back to school. I always say I am going to do it, and haven't yet. Bleah. I want to be sure before I go, but I want to go soon!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I almost lost my big toe a few times, and had strep and a stomach bug. Nothing major.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My dog. Surely that counts? Terrible financial decision, best decision ever otherwise.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

This is a really odd question. No clue.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

ICBs was pretty shitty on the whole. Also I have numerous friends that are in toxic relationships that they won't leave.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Ugh...booze, clothes, aforementioned dog.

15. What did you really, really, really get excited about?

Life! I am seriously excited about life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Any of the songs I heard at Bonnaroo.

17. Compared to this time last year are you:

Happier? Exponentially.
Thinner? Yes! Praying I can keep it up.
Richer? Nope. Way poorer in fact.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Art.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

I *should* say drinking but I probably don't really mean that. So I will say spending money.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my Mom and WS and the dogs.

21. How will you be spending new years?

I went out with WS and Gigi!

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Yes.

23. How many one-night stands?

Classify one-night stand? If it means random sex with someone you met that night, then none.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Fell in love with The Office in a big way.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

My roomie's ex-BF. I hate that creepy stalking motherfucker. Real hate.

26. What was the best book you read?

I enjoyed a bunch of good books this year...Anansi Boys was really good.

27. What was your biggest musical discovery?

Too many to name! The Avett Brothers, maybe.

28. What did you want and you got?

Love, my puppy.

29. What did you want and not get?

An academic direction.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

No clue! I saw a ton of movies, but sadly nothing is standing out. Well, I saw Crash for the first time and adored it, but it's not from this year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old did you turn?

I turned 24. I went out to eat with Mom and then spent the evening with WS. Also went to a bar with friends that weekend to celebrate.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I can't imagine asking for a more satisfying year.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Granola chic.

34. What kept you sane?

The Cutest Dog In The World. Sounds so lame, but not sure I would have gotten through the break up/summer without Roomie without him. His little furry face fills my heart with joy every single day.

35. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?

Robert Pattinson! Yuuuuuuumy.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The presidential election, by far. The primaries were stressful, not a Hilary fan at all. Also gay marriage.

37. Who did you miss?

Wow. I lost touch with a few friends this year that I miss.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

WS. Lame answer but I didn't meet a ton of new people this year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

That you can get over anything. Nothing is the end of the world. Not to ever settle for anything or anyone.

40. Quote or Song Lyric that sums up your year:

not sure it sums it up, but it was freaking cool:

"America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves -- if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can." -PRESIDENT ELECT Barack Obama

2009

2008-12-31T10:40:00.006-05:00

Good Lord. I can't believe it is New Year's Eve again. It is the strangest sensation, last NYE feels like yesterday and a 100 years ago at the same time. 2008 was an incredible year for me. So full of massive changes, heartache, and happiness I can't believe I fit it all in to 365 days. It is kind of inspiring how much can happen in a year. Makes me realize that you never know where you will be next NYE, it could be completely different from the way you imagined it. Though I predict 2009 will be a little calmer, it should be equally exciting in different ways.

Tonight I will be hitting the town with Roomie. The fabulous Gigi helped me pick out an outfit last night, and I am really excited to dress up!! I also picked up a bottle of bubbly last night...I will be drinking this in my gorgeous black glass champagne flutes:
I love the Coppola wines, and this bottle was too pretty to pass up! And it comes wrapped in pink cellophane.

I am pretty sad to not be kissing WS at midnight tonight. I think I am doing the right thing, hoes (hos?) before bros and all that, it's just hard not to be bummed. I just love any excuse to kiss him. This morning we were kissing like teenagers in my work parking lot at 8:20am. Sigh. I never ever pictured myself being this in love, especially not at this point in my life. One of my resolutions is to not take that for granted, to be thankful every single day and to do everything I can to show him that. He shows and tells me every day, I feel so lucky that it shakes me to my core. I need to work on realizing that I can have this. There is no reason I don't deserve it, which is how I tend to feel about it.

Of course I have other resolutions. The Financial Revolution is the main one. Also working on willpower and taking care of myself. I want to learn to shop less (that will be painful) and focus more on my inner self. And not regain any of the 30ish lbs I lost this year. I know, I am not expecting much from myself, am I?? Oh well I am pretty sure the point of resolutions is to overshoot.

Sorry I have been lagging on the blogging lately...I have been reading, just not writing or commenting much. I feel kind of lame. I promise to do better! I hope everyone has a wonderful NYE, be safe!!

it's beginning to look a lot like...random monday!

2008-12-22T15:02:00.003-05:00

Yeah I know, I did random Saturday too. What can I say? I am random!

*I have shopped myself STUPID today online. This is what happens when I am stuck at work and don't want to work because it is almost CHRISTMAS! Luckily, I only bought things that I need/were already planning to buy soon. I bought a shit ton of stuff from VS for DIRT cheap, as well as this dress:for WS's "law school prom" in Feb. I luuurve grey and hopefully I like it as much as in person as online! Is it just me or are all these bad economy coupons deadly?? At least I am doing my part...and getting it out of my system before my financial revolution of 2009!

*Speaking of shopping, I went to the specialty dog store yesterday and bought The Cutest Dog In The World's Christmas presents from "Santa". He apparently has been a very good boy this year, as he is getting treats, dead animal parts to chew on, a new harness and an elephant made of rope. Spoiled, spoiled, spoiled. I also got doggy presents for my mom's dog and WS's dog. So fun.

*Some truce progress with the mother. I will be splitting my Christmas between her house and my house with WS. Sounds perfect to me, though we are getting together tomorrow night to "talk" and that will make me want to pull all of my hair out. My Aunt has Breast Cancer, and my mother does not handle that kind of stuff well. She is so dramatic and ridiculous. She accused me of not caring or recognizing this, and of slacking on my family responsibilities for "other things" in my life. I asked for an example...she couldn't think of one. I am going to have to try to keep my eyes from rolling into the back of my head and getting stuck there tomorrow night.

*Tonight WS and I are going to a local coffee house to fill up on hot apple cider and FINALLY make "the list". The list is going to be of things that we want to do together. We both are "get out and do stuff" people and we have talked about a million things that we want to go and do. All realistic stuff, though some more long-term than others. The one I am looking forward to the most? Snow tubing! I have never been but it sounds like SO much fun! I think we are doing that in Jan/Feb. I picture myself looking like the Michelin man. No snow-bunny aspirations here.

*So I did end up trying that Barefoot Champagne...and I can safely recommend it! I have NEVER been one for cheap champagne (no Andre in my glass) but this one was really good. I think I paid $7.50 for the bottle. This is really dangerous since I like to start drinking champagne in honor of New Year's around Dec 26th. WS was in our kitchen the other day, looked around and decided that Roomie and I drink so much we should really look in to recycling. Ouch.

*I ventured to Hell (aka WalMart the Sunday before Christmas) yesterday. Seriously...if you ever feel like you are just brimming over with the Holiday spirit, go there and see how you feel. I wanted to kill someone. One thing I will never understand is why people refuse to recognize basic right-of-way rules in places like that. People just running into people, cutting people off, it was insane. But damn if I didn't get a bunch of stuff for ridiculous prices.

K I think I am out :)

happy Monday before Christmas!

random thought whatever -the-hell-day-it-is

2008-12-20T08:58:00.005-05:00

Oh, that's right, it's Saturday. Wait, no, it can't be Saturday, I am at work...oh but it is. And I am. Yay.

RT 1) I have been sick, which is why I have been a lame blogger. Started feeling funny Tuesday night, came in to work for 30 minutes Wednesday morning and basically slept until Friday afternoon. So here I am at work trying to make up some time, but clearly not doing anything work-related.

RT 2) I am almost done Christmas shopping. It's down to some odds and ends from Target or somewhere, presents for the 3 dogs in my life, and the fucking elusive Dunkin Donuts travel mug I was planning on getting WS. They are ALWAYS there, and so I didn't think it was any big deal...and so I didn't order the other option I was considering. And now I am without. On the plus side, I keep going to "check" and see if either location has it, and while I am there I just might as well get some coffee for myself, right? I challenge anyone to find something as delicious as this:
Anyway, that damn mug better materialize or I will start to look like this:
RT 3) Speaking of Christmas, I may be spending my Christmas sans Mother. I haven't really talked to her since our falling out last week, except a few short surface conversations. She has not mentioned Christmas or plans or anything. She must have made plans, either assuming I will be around here or to travel and see other family. Either way she has not informed me. So I am waiting it out. Roomie invited me to her house, and WS said he would bring his dog and we could spend Christmas together. I insisted he spend it with family, and he said I was his family. *Awww* Frankly, I am tired of my mother's ridiculous drama and I would rather spend Christmas in the loft with The Cutest Dog In The World than kiss her ass to try to get her to "forgive" me for something I didn't do just to keep peace.

RT 4) I spent last night making my first venture into painting in probably over a year. It was fabulous. I was so absorbed in what I was doing the time just flew by. I had some good music going in the background, and it just made me so happy. I suck at it, but it makes me happy.

RT 5) I have started looking forward to New Years Eve. I freaking luuurve NYE. Champagne (or sparkling wine because I am poor and can't afford the good stuff)? Yes, please! Wearing something sparkly and ridiculous? Yes, please! Excessive public drunkenness? Obviously. I plan on popping open one of these suckers as soon as 5:30 hits on NYE and I am out of work. Unless, Gigi, we should start earlier?? BTW, my PSA for the day is urging you people to try the Barefoot line of wines. I have had 2 kinds and they were both fab, especially for a $5 bottle of wine. I am eagerly awaiting trying out their sparkling varieties. Roomie is sans-Shakespeare for NYE and so I think it may be a girl's night. I am sad about that because I would love to kiss WS at midnight and say some sappy shit about spending this next year together. But it's OK, we hopefully have many more NYEs for that. Plus one of my fave local bands is playing at my bar (the mega-hot drummer likes to hit on me, which I enjoy) and they are doing Michael Jackson covers. Drunk Scarlett loves Beatles covers and Michael Jackson covers. So Scarlett+Roomie+NYE+champagne+sparkles+my bar+the band should be a damn good time. I told her we probably have to kiss at midnight to keep one another out of trouble. Too many potential creepers/drinking friends around that place.

RT 6) I may actually pick up one of those bottles TODAY because as I type WS is taking his last final of the semester. THANK GOD. I am so ready to have more time with him, and for him to be able to relax and enjoy torturing each other about our Christmas presents! The downside is that Shakespeare went running back to the holler he comes from. Is that regional slang? Ah, here it is:

hol·ler²

adj. , v. & n. Chiefly Upper Southern U.S.
Variant of hollow.
One feature of Upper Southern English and specifically of Appalachian English is its pronunciation of the final unstressed syllable in words such as hollow, window, and potato as (ər). Holler, winder, and tater are merely variant pronunciations reflected in spelling. As a noun, holler has the specific meaning in the Appalachians of "a small valley between mountains": They live up in the holler underneath Big Bald Mountain.

Now I can say my blog is educational. Anyway, he went home and so I get no overnights with my mans for awhile. Not sure if I mentioned but we live in a super-open loft and three would be pretty awkward. So that sucks. Besides I think it's lame that Shakespeare doesn't want to spend time with Roomie. And that he comes from a holler. On the other hand, this could be our last stretch of time together if she really does leave in May. So I think I should take advantage of having her all to myself.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a fabulous almost-Christmas weekend!

closure...?

2008-12-15T12:38:00.003-05:00

This was a very interesting weekend, to say the least. It started with a night out with Roomie. We went to my bar, and it was like the twilight zone it had been so long since I was there. Saw a bunch of the old favorites, including the long-lost George Clooney look-alike. Yum. Talked to some friends, enjoyed the city's best gin and tonic, danced like an idiot. Overall things went well, until the end of the night...Roomie fight of catastrophic proportions. I don't actually want to talk about it, just going to say that it resulted in me walking the mile or so home in my 4 inch heels, crying. And the details are fuzzy anyway, so I probably couldn't tell it right. Things are cool now, it probably needed to happen.

The REALLY interesting thing happened Saturday morning. I was laying in bed regretting the last gin and tonic when my phone rang. ICB's name was on the caller ID, and in my haze I decided to pick it up. We ended up talking for an hour and a half. It was literally like the clouds had parted and the sun was shining through. We were actually able to have an adult conversation that didn't suck for either of us.

It blows my mind the way our communication has broken down since the break up. I went about my business, and his unwillingness to even talk to me on a superficial level made me think that he just did not give a rat's ass. Turns out he has been having a really hard time, thinking things through, asking everyone and their mom (and HIS mom) their opinions, etc. He claims that he is never dating again, because he "doesn't want to go through that again". I laughed and told him he will be fine. In fact, I laughed a lot, and in a good way. We talked about friends and family, and other things we used to talk about. I think it is much easier/healthier for us to make baby steps towards being real-life friends than to keep up the online bullshit.

I feel so much better about the situation now. And it brought me some serious clarity. I can't hate him, and I don't think that I will ever regret our time together. I can't say that I didn't mean it when I said I loved him, or that I was "wrong" in thinking that I wanted to marry him. What I do realize though, is that I would have been settling. We probably could have made it work, and I may have been happy. There were a lot of good things there, but it wasn't the kind of fit that I want. It's funny, and scary at the same time, to think that these decisions we make are so serious. It is hard to not think "what if" or question yourself at the time, but I think you just have to go with your gut. I do wonder if I did the wrong thing by leaving him, but I wanted more. I wanted a wild and passionate love, with someone that I was compatible with who was as crazy about me as I was with them. I was willing to risk being alone to find these things. ICB was "safe". He is not a passionate person, not inclined to do impulsive things. He moves slowly and thinks everything through. He is amazing and will make some woman very, very happy some day.

And me? Well, that remains to be seen. But I have never been happier about taking a risk before in my life.

Today

2008-12-11T13:38:00.002-05:00

Today I am happy because:

*I got to wake up next to WS.
*He gave me an incredible kiss before we went our separate ways.
*I am going Christmas shopping with Cuz after work.
*I made my coffee MUCH better than the last round, and could actually drink it.
*Roomie and I are going out tomorrow night.
*The week is almost finished.
*Pandora has been feeding me some really good new songs.
*The Cutest Dog In The World sat in my lap during my lunch break, just soaking in the attention I was giving him.
*Last night I got in a HORRENDOUS fight with my mother and was in a really shitty mood. I wasn't sure I wanted to see WS, but he ended up coming over and it only took about 30 seconds for him to lift my bad mood. This is a miracle, I am terrible about staying in a funk and no one has ever had this effect on me.

Today I am kinda bummed because:

*I still need a vacation.
*I am stressing about the whole Roomie/Shakespeare situation. It is really getting on my nerves but I haven't had the balls to bring it up yet.
*I haven't talked to my mom.
*ICB hit rock bottom, has been driving me up the wall with Beta behavior, and then defriended me this morning on Facebook. Because I had computer issues and didn't respond to his chat fast enough. Fuck it. It's for the best anyway.

je ne suis pas...

2008-12-10T14:43:00.002-05:00

** I got this idea from fabulous bloggers Nora and LittleMissObsessive.

I am not:
a meat eater, but I'm not a member of PETA either.
someone who likes to rub their opinions in other people's faces.
a huge fan of beaches. I don't like sand or jellyfish all that much.
a girl with fake nails, fake boobs, fake hair, or a fake tan.
a radio listener.
particularly level-headed or even-keeled.
all that comfortable around tiny babies (after 5 months we're cool).
someone that likes to just have a drink or two...it's all or nothing.
immune to jealousy issues.
very good at doing my hair. It's long, it's blonde, I leave it be.
likely to care what I look like when I am at work.
capable of driving without listening to music.
happy sitting at home all the time.
easily walked on.
as outgoing as I think I am.
comfortable without a goal to work on.
capable of not taking things personally.
a fair-weather friend.
good at keeping my eyes from rolling.
high maintenance.
low maintenance.
sure what kind of career I want.
a "wallower".
uncomfortable with how fast WS and my relationship has moved.
someone that has to comment on everyone else's food.
able to sleep well without a fan on in my room.
organized or a naturally tidy person...and I hate laundry.
going to be happy if anyone from my "real" life finds my blog.
a fan of my Dad's religious/social beliefs.
brave enough to tell my Dad that.
in to looking like everyone else.
sure what else to say :)

Random Thought Monday

2008-12-08T09:57:00.003-05:00

*I feel kinda whiny. So heads up :)

*This weekend I started feeling lame. The kind of lame where all you want to do is see your boyfriend. I don't want to be That Girl. Not at all. Unfortunately, Roomie has kind of turned into That Girl, worse than I have. I really really still want to go out with my friends. I realize that this coupling up stuff coincided with cold weather so going out is way less enticing, but still. I need to feel like I am still me, and I still have a life of my own. It is hard to do that alone, though. I really wish I could find some girl friends that shared this outlook on life. As much as I love WS, I don't want him to be the focus of 90% of my waking hours.

*Christmas is fucking my budget. I am so incredibly broke, it isn't even funny. I will be eating a lot of Ramen between here and the new year! Oh well. I have a serious plan to get into better financial shape in 2009. I love buying people presents, so at least it's for something I like.

*Tonight is my work Christmas party. WS is in full-on finals mode, so Gigi is going to be my date. Basically it will consist of dressing up, being pissed I am wasting an outfit on work people, and then drinking as much free wine as I can. The food should be ok, so at least I don't have to eat Ramen. I am still a little bitter about the fruit basket, and the fact that I have to work till 1 on Christmas Eve, and the entire day after. If you knew what kind of business I worked in, you would understand how ludicrous it is to be open the day after Christmas. I have got to figure out what I want to do with my life and where I want to do it so that I can get out of here.

*I am starting to feel like it is Me Vs. My Body.

Me: I would like to be thin. And hairless. Oh, and the whole baby thing? Not sure I want to do that. At least not soon.
My Body: Babies babies babies! I want chocolate. Ooohh if we got pregnant, I could make you eat lots more. And I am cold, so I gotta regrow this leg hair ASAP!

Seriously. I am starting to get tired of this fight. It pisses me off that I have to pump my body full of fake hormones to try to talk it out of what it wants. It should want what I want! And then the fake hormones make you fat. Damn it.

*I think I am going to see ICB for the first time in months today. He has been hounding me to come get this shoe that he still has. I thought I had lost it in the move. I would just tell him to throw it away, but they were expensive shoes and I could really use them. I am sick of dealing with his pouty, desperate antics. Every little thing I say he overreacts to. I know that when I do this in a hurry, so that I can get to the party, he is going to get all huffy and say shit like "sorry for bothering you". Ugh.

OK well hopefully I can think of some more up-beat things to post later in the week. Hope everyone had a great weekend!

all I want for Christmas...is a vacation

2008-12-03T11:45:00.003-05:00

I need a vacation like nobody's business. I have not had a week off since June of 07, and I probably won't get one until this next summer. I am ready to kill someone. Every teeny little thing that someone in my office says makes steam come out of my ears. I really feel like I am going to lose it. Where I work it is just one big room with 6 desks, so there is a lot of togetherness. I love it here, and I like the people I work with, but I can only take so much.

Gigi doesn't work on Wednesdays (lucky bitch) and it makes it *that* much harder not to snap at someone.

To top it all off, we found out yesterday what our Christmas presents are this year. Last year we got nice gift certificates to fancy local restaurants.

This year we are getting fruit baskets.

"It's a one year membership in the jelly of the month club"
"Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year."

mixed success

2008-12-01T09:58:00.003-05:00

Well my Thanksgiving came and went without much drama. I confessed to my Mom that I am not a Thanksgiving fan, and she was really distressed. She called me later, wondering what she could do to make it more enjoyable for me. I think she felt guilty that we didn't really have traditions or anything when I was growing up. Then, of course, I couldn't tell her that the reason I hate Thanksgiving/any event like that is because she TOTALLY stresses me out! But it amused me to get that phone call and then mere hours later hear her barking orders at me like a drill Sargent. I love her but she drives me nuts.

******************

Now-on to the trip with WS to the wedding. It was fun, a little mini-road trip to the town where he went to undergrad/grad school.

Successes:
-My shoes were amazing. Never once was I worried about falling or uncomfortable in the slightest. This is true shoe love. Wonder if anyone would notice if I wore them everyday?
-I really enjoyed his friends, and didn't feel awkward at all. I am pretty sure they liked me, too.
-Apparently 4 or 5 of his guy friends went up to him when I wasn't around to tell him that I was "hot".
-I just love spending time with him, and it doesn't really matter what we are doing. With his finals coming up, this was probably the most time we will get together until they are over. Finals suck.
-I was a very well-behaved drunk person...unless you count trying to seduce him in the car on the way out of the reception.

Fails:
-Dinner wasn't served until 9:30 and I had quite a few glasses of wine. Then when it was served, there wasn't much I could eat, and I wish I had anticipated that before drinking on an empty stomach.
-In the morning before we left, I found an empty coke bottle with 3 used needles in it in a cabinet in our hotel room.
-Remember when I was worried about being over or under dressed? Well turns out, I was dressed JUST right. As in, just exactly like the bridesmaids.

All in all, I had a really great time and am glad that I agreed to go. I feel a little silly for dreading it so much. I felt really bad for WS, because there were a few moments when it was obvious how big a bitch his ex was. Apparently no one liked her, and she didn't have great social skills. It was like he was shocked that I could get along so easily with people and genuinely enjoy myself.

******************

I am becoming more and more convinced that I do not want a "wedding in a box". No offense to anyone, but I feel like I have been to the same wedding over and over again. They are expensive, stressful, and just all-around lame. When I get married (assuming I ever get married) I am pretty sure that I will either elope or do something nontraditional and really small. Maybe a really tiny destination wedding in the mountains somewhere. Now, I still want to wear a dress, buy some killer shoes, get my hairs did and take some pictures, but you won't catch me in some overly-beaded dress flinging my bouquet at anyone.

******************

OK so the marriage thing. WS and I have been discussing it a lot lately. It is incredibly fast to be talking like that, I know. I am ok with that, and any judgments that others may make. I know how I feel, and the reality of our relationship.

Eeeeeeeeee

2008-11-29T14:40:00.002-05:00

Well I am off to an out-of-town wedding with WS. I am meeting his friends for the first time, since none of them live in my town. Man, I am seriously nervous!! What if I am overdressed? What if I am underdressed? What if they all hate me? What if I get really shy? What if I get too drunk, or not drunk enough?? What if my 4" stilettos cause me to fall on my face?? Breath in, breath out...I think I will be OK. Wish me luck!

By the way, I am really not a fan of weddings. As much as I like the sentiment, they just suck 90% of the time. Monday I will give a full report on whether or not this one did, and whether or not I fell on my face!

today started out sucky, and then...

2008-11-26T10:14:00.006-05:00

This morning I REALLY did not want to get out of bed. It was cold, I was exhausted, and pissed that no one else had to work today. Then two fantastical things happened. The second thing was really super exciting and involved this:I got an award! I seriously squealed. Totally made my day! I got it from the lovely Little Miss Obsessive whose blog I LOVE to read! She always has great and creative posts. So here are the rules:

1. Post the award on your blog.
2. Pass the award on to five more other bloggers.
3. Post these rules for your recipients.

I am pretty new to blogging, but have been reading them for awhile now! So here are my picks:

Gigi Knows Best!- Of course I love Gigi, but I love her blog because it is so true to life, and it makes me miss the fantastic hilarious and horrible things that happen when you are single.

La Dolce Vita- I *love* that she is never afraid to "go there", and I am really looking forward to reading about her adventures in pregnancy!

Shirt or Dress- This is such a creative concept, and it makes me laugh all the time. And wonder about some of my wardrobe choices!

Walking Through the Rain- Her blog is one of my absolute favorites, she has a great outlook on things and I relate to her a lot.

LBluca77- I don't even think I have ever commented on her blog, but I love to read it. She has a great sense of humor, and is really honest and open which I enjoy.

Well there you go---thanks a ton LMO!

***********************************************************************************

Now on to the first thing that made my day better.

WS: So, I was wondering what kind of engagement ring you want.
Scarlett:
I know, it sounds batshit crazy. I haven't talked about it before much because there is nothing I could say that would make it sound less crazy, or that wouldn't be a sickening cliche. But there you have it. My news for the day.

On Gold Digging

2008-11-25T11:31:00.003-05:00

A snippet of a conversation I recently had with two coworkers:

Coworker 1: How is your boyfriend?
Me: He is doing well.
Coworker 1: Did he ever get in to med school?
Me: Uhh that was a different boyfriend. We broke up awhile ago.
Coworker 1: Oh, oops!
Coworker 2: Yeah, this one is in law school!
Coworker 1: Ohhhh so you are looking for that MD or Esq...

This happens to me a lot. Either in conversations about Doctor and Lawyer, or just vague "so what does your boyfriend do" kinds of conversations.

I want to take this opportunity to explain. Not that I would probably admit it if I were, but I am not a gold digger. I hated that Doctor wanted to go to med school. I tried to talk him into getting a PhD and being a teacher instead. I hated thinking about him being gone all the time, and the stress of med school and beyond. The application process alone was horrendous on our relationship.

Lawyer has told me that now that he has met me, he is changing his mind about the future. Instead of big-time firms with big-time hours and big-time money, he would rather do something that wouldn't have him gone from home all the time. This is absolutely perfect to me. I have encouraged him to look into Legal Aid or some other non-profit work, since that is what his Master's is in.

Money doesn't attract me. What I am drawn to is intelligence, and drive. On one of our first dates Lawyer was talking about some of the (millions) of jobs he has had. He has worked, often more than one job at a time, since he was 14. I cannot tell you how hot that is to me. I worked in high school and college, and have always been one to earn things myself. Even though I know my finances aren't great now, I love knowing that I support myself. Doctor was sheltered, never worked until he was out of college, and even then refused to do it full-time. That bothered me immensely.

A good work ethic is just sexy. If Lawyer was some other occupation, and he may well be at some point, I would still love him and admire how smart and hard-working he is. I hate that people think that about me, or about our relationship. When I chose to call him that here I didn't anticipate what he would become in my life. So, to move past that I am going to start calling them something else in my blog. Doctor is going to be "ICB" for Irish Car Bomb (ewww), and Lawyer is now "WS" for Whiskey Sour (even though he likes Gin and Tonic, too, but that is my drink!). Also, just in case I ever run into him again (God help me) Boyscout is going to be "RR" for Rolling Rock. I figure that someone's drink choice is just as, if not more, important than their occupation.

I feel better.

Random Thought Monday!

2008-11-24T10:36:00.002-05:00

So much to say I don't know where to start!

1) Saturday night was girl's night. I woke up Sunday morning in Roomie's bed (with Roomie in it too) still wearing my coat and boots. It was one of those nights.

2) I came across an old friend from Freshman year of college at the bar on Saturday. He looks so different (in a good way) that I did not recognize him. He was looking at me like he had never seen a girl before, and I was so flattered that I flirted a little too much. And then he tried to kiss me. Yikes.

3) My friend K has the world's cutest one bedroom apartment. I am so worried about finding/affording one in the spring when our lease is up. They are all so expensive and I have been really spoiled by the super nice places Roomie and I have lived. Sigh.

4) **cheese alert** Friday night Lawyer said the sweetest thing to me that anyone has ever said. He told me that for about a week before he told me he loved me, he would "write" it on my skin. I had no idea. He said he just had to get it out but didn't want to scare me. He did the same thing before he told me he wanted to marry me. Yes, we have talked about that. It's a post all it's own that I haven't felt like writing. It is insane and intense and sounds crazy. How funny that this anti-mushy-stuff girl melted over that shit? It wasn't *quite* as corny as it comes across written out, but still. Life is funny.

5) The Cutest Dog In The World is having eye surgery tomorrow. I am so nervous and worried. And damn if it isn't going to cost $700. Ugh.

6) I LOVE Christmas shopping! I love buying presents for people. So far I have:
Roomie-photobook with a ton of pics of the things we have done over the years, to take with her to France. I worked really hard on it and I think it will turn out great. It makes me want to cry a little though.
Lawyer-A print of one of his best friend's art, in a frame. A Either a season of Doug or a book on Mandarin Chinese. I am also going to give him a drawer in the bathroom and half of one in my dresser. I am super nervous about this, for some stupid reason. I am going to put stuff in there, like toiletries and some boxers and a Tshirt of one of his favorite bands. And then put a bow on the handle. What if he freaks out?
Mom-no idea! I am worried about this one.

7) I really don't like Thanksgiving. I just don't. I don't like the food, I don't like the hassle. How lame am I?

8) I have been having the MOST awkward conversations EVER with Doctor this past week. So. Fucking. Awkward. We have discussed dating (he hasn't yet, "Still recovering") and a plethora of other ridiculous things. He makes these comments that make me feel like a terrible person. I had no idea he cared so much. He said he needs a "body pillow" because he got used to me. WTF. So sad, so awkward. I don't know what to do.

So that about wraps up this week's edition of RTM :)

Twilight

2008-11-21T15:15:00.004-05:00

I read the books with Gigi this summer, and to be honest they did not live up to the hype in my opinion. Fun, easy reads but I was not a fan of the characters and I thought the whole thing was entirely too sappy for my taste. And I still think Bella kind of sucks.

This is all beside the point. I saw the movie last night at the midnight showing with Gigi, and I have to urge you all to go and see it. If you hate the story, or don't care, take your ipod and listen to something else, but you must witness the unbelievable sexiness that is Robert Pattinson in this role.

Holy. Shit.

In the stills, I thought he was OK, but nothing major. During the film I found myself behaving like a 15 year old girl who just discovered hormones.

Again-Holy. Shit. I would have gone home and taken a cold shower if it hadn't been 3 in the morning.

Go see it!

Facebook is a Bitch Part 2

2008-11-19T09:33:00.003-05:00

I think I need to stop talking about Facebook/relationships because the more I think about it, the more it pops up in my real life.

Last night I was poking around the internets, and who decided to talk to me on Facebook Chat? Doctor of course. I mean, I get the point of our last conversation (which was only a few days ago). We hadn't talked in forever so we needed to catch up. But now...what is the point? We don't need to talk on a daily or even weekly basis. We chatted for a bit, and here are some highlighted parts of the convo:

Scarlett: Oh, your cousin ____ added me on here the other day
Doctor: Really? I am jealous. I didn't even know she was on here.
Scarlett: Wait, so you guys aren't friends??
Doctor: Nope.

(editor's note: What the fuck???)

Doctor tells a story about a guy friend having a bad night out while visiting him.
Scarlett: You need to be a better wingman!
Doctor: Oh, I wasn't there to pick up chicks, I was just hanging out.

(editor's note: Did I ask? Do I care??)

Doctor telling a story about our friend "Dentist".
Doctor: Dentist was so drunk on Halloween he made out with this girl, and then had to come ask me to look at her and tell me if she was OK.
Scarlett: Haha...well was she?
Doctor: Sure. I wasn't really paying attention. I was just playing beer pong.

Does he really think I care about what he is doing while he is out? I mean, even when we were together and I might have cared he wouldn't say stuff like that. So very strange. Again-what the fuck?

I also managed to find Lawyer's ex-fiancee. Yes, I am a creeper. Now I have a face to the name, and that is really bumming me out for some reason. It isn't about what she looks like, I think it just made her more real. She isn't anything to write home about, but she isn't all that bad. Gigi tells me that no matter what, the other woman is a fugly whore. So we are going with that.

Damn, you Facebook.

Seriously?

2008-11-18T17:02:00.002-05:00

Apparently I have a lot to say today.

I have this friend. Lets call her Nurse, since apparently I like to use occupations as names. So I met Nurse at my college part-time job. She is a little older, but had gone back to school. At first she drove me crazy, and she still kinda does, but for some reason I still love her and want to be her friend. Well at least until recently.

She dated this guy, lets call him Loser (he doesn't HAVE a real job) for a few years. I was around when they started dating so I have heard about this thing from the beginning. Things were good, and we were the kind of friends to talk endlessly about our relationships (or my lack thereof). After about 2 years he moved an hour or so away and everything changed. He lived with his parents at the age of 28, and never came to see her. She went up there ALL the time, made ALL the sacrifices and started to dream of getting engaged and married. Right. So he treats her like dirt, and it becomes obvious that he is cheating on her. She lets him. This goes on forever. Her grandmother dies, and instead of being there for her, offering to go to the funeral, etc. he lies to her to meet up with The Other Woman. She calls me crying on a regular basis. I try and try and try to talk her into dumping him. What I wanted to say was GROW A SPINE AND STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! DEMAND BETTER! But you can't make someone do this. They have to come to that conclusion on their own.

She eventually breaks up with him, but they got back together and she moved to where he lives. Still no talk of any kind of long-term commitment, which she still wants. He never meets her family, her friends, never makes any effort. He continues to cheat on her (with the same chick and maybe others) and she FINALLY dumps him again. Well, I just talked to her and she told me he is trying to get her back. I asked her what she thought about this and she totally avoided my question.

What the fuck is up with these chicks? I am SO tired of listening to her talk about him. Can you "dump" a friend over something like this? I love her to pieces but if she doesn't straighten this shit out I don't think I can take it. I know that I am far from perfect. But I also know that I would not let myself get in a situation like that. Why does this get to me so much? It drives me NUTS. This guy is a total piece of shit cheating bastard. 30 years old and living with his parents. She lets him get away with everything, so he does. Does she think this would get better over the years? If they get married will it magically fix these faults? Hell no! It will get worse. How does she not see that? It has been like 5 years at this point. No talk of commitment, and she is wasting her time. She says she wants a family, wants to get married soon. I want her to know that there is better out there. There is someone who will treat her right, someone she can trust. She doesn't have to settle. She is a great girl, really cute, with a great personality and good career.

I can't decide if I am just a control freak trying to run her life or what. But I do know that I have hit my limit.

I'm a Sucker for...

2008-11-18T13:43:00.003-05:00

tall guys
guys with tattoos
kids with mohawks
babies with ears on their hoodies
boxer puppies
jewelry with feathers/leaves
landscape photography
fleece
Pablo Neruda poetry
campfires
lakes
sailboats
screened porches
pretty high heels
excuses to get dressed up
gin and tonics
live music
the tufty hair behind my puppy's ears
down comforters
hardwood flooring
old buildings
coffee with chicory
painting my nails
male attention
white wine
new experiences
99.99% of all things involving Lawyer
convertibles/sunroofs
pumpkin spice lattes at Starbucks
pretty underwear
Denny on Grey's Anatomy
Mountains
Apple products
text messages

That was fun :)

Facebook is a Bitch

2008-11-18T10:56:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday I was cruising the blogosphere and I came across a post about how the increase in internet sharing like Facebook, etc affects our romantic relationships, especially when they end. I can't find that blog, no idea where I was, but it got me thinking. Facebook sure as hell complicates things. When Doctor and I broke up, you better believe I was combing his page for changes/updates. Out went the profile pic with me in it. Up went the single relationship status. Every new comment, every new female friend was scrutinized. I also have reason to believe he did the same with my page.

There is a LONG and boring rest of the story that includes de-friending, re-friending, messages, untagging of photos, and finally Facebook Chat (which is a POS by the way).

Anyway, yesterday, mere hours after I read that blog post I had a troubling email in my inbox. Doctors cousin (by marriage) was requesting to be my friend. She is maybe 10 years older than me, but we always got along really well. I admired her and liked her a lot.

How. Fucking. Awkward. I accepted it, because really, what the hell else do I do? I don't like her any less since Doctor and I broke up. It has nothing to do with her. But it is so bizarre. Why just now be my friend? How did she even find me?? I have a really odd last name and am no longer friends with any of his other family members. Does she really want to see my relationship status and the pics of Lawyer and I that are making their way into my albums? It isn't like she and I can really be friends outside of the Facebook world.

I wonder a lot about what life would be like without Facebook, etc. The break up would have been a lot cleaner, I think. Less access is probably a good thing in that department.

And on a totally unrelated note, I am SO SAD I did not sign up for this Blog Secret thingy. I totally have some secrets! I have loved reading everyone else's. What is it about these secret-sharing things that make you feel less alone, and more normal?

Random Thought Monday!

2008-11-17T14:05:00.003-05:00

It's the return of RTM.

1) This week I am starting off with an incredibly embarrassing moment that occurred this weekend. I will spare you some of the gory details, so let's sum it up by saying that Lawyer came across a website on my computer from when Doctor and I were looking at rings. Ouch. I mean...what to do? I didn't want him to think that I was looking for rings for he and I. Overeager much?? Besides, over the past few months I have discovered that I do NOT want to do the traditional engagement/wedding thing AT ALL. The other alternative is to tell the truth..."oh, don't worry about that, that was from my last BF who apparently was so fucking recent that I haven't cleared my browsing history since then"...no. I haven't told him that entire story, and I don't want to start there! My only saving grace is that I had JUST told him minutes ago about how I used to take jewelry making lessons and have researched and bought some things for myself online. Still.

This is the kind of embarrassment that only happens once in a blue moon, thank God. The kind that takes DAYS to wear off. Hopefully I will stop cringing inside soon.

2) Now, in an attempt to feel less embarrassed myself I am going to embarrass someone else. Lawyer told me this weekend that he once walked in to the bathroom to discover his ex-fiancee shaving her nipples. What makes this infinitely funnier is the fact that she totally convinced him that all women shave their nipples. He went along for years believing this. Hilarious. Poor girl. I shouldn't laugh. We all have embarrassing things about our bodies and I would die if I were her and found out my ex was discussing them with his current girlfriend. My nipples hurt just typing this out. Shaving? Really? I mean, what happens if your alarm doesn't go off one morning and you are running late and miss it? Do you get stubble? The horror.

3) Last night I gave The Cutest Dog In The World a bath. Every time I bathe him, his hair gets instantly longer. He used to have this cute curly hair around his little butt. Now it seriously looks like he is wearing fringed pants. Part of me thinks it is amusing, the other part of me knows it has to go. So I guess now I am trimming dog butt hair? Love knows no bounds, my friends. He does look really cute in his new naughty/nice Christmas collar, though.

4) I recently had a run in with the local Junior League. Gag me with a spoon. Seriously. I mean, I appreciate the occasional monogrammed item or headband but these women are hardcore. All the women in Doctor's family were in the JL. I probably would have gotten roped into it had I stuck around. Then I would have spent my life hating myself for not fitting that mold. Close call.

5) Speaking of Doctor, I talked to him online last week. It was really really nice. Just a normal conversation. How are you, here is what is new, etc. Just how I pictured it always would have been. I feel a sense of closure and peace that I didn't feel before. I am so glad that things ended, but I really wanted us to remain civil.

6) I am ready for some serious girl time. Lawyer stayed with me the last three nights. I am struggling with this right now. I swore to myself that I would never let things get the way they were with Doctor. I would never faux-cohabitate, let my life intertwine with someone else's so that when we broke up I had to untangle myself. But when Lawyer isn't there I feel seriously depressed. I miss him terribly. Which disgusts me, because I hate feeling co-dependent.

Anyway, with all that Lawyer time (which I ate up like some kind of junkie) I am feeling a little female-deprived. Luckily, Roomie has agreed to go out with me Tuesday night (holla!) and we are having a girls night, going dancing this Saturday night with another friend. I cannot WAIT. I already have an outfit planned. In the meantime, tonight is going to suck. I was just getting used to that cute tall guy in my bed.

7) Roomie is quite possibly going to move to France for 2 years starting in May. I cannot begin to delve in to the depths of how that will change my life. She is my partner in crime, my confidant, my very best friend. We are like life partners, we have lived together so long now. We have our routines down. What am I going to do without her? For Christmas this year, I made her a photo book (free thanks to Snapfish and Oprah) of a bunch of things we have done over the years. I am really proud of how it turned out. It took like 9 hours to finish. I hope she will take it with her and know that I miss and love her.

That's all I got this week :)

Irrational Fears

2008-11-12T16:43:00.002-05:00

OK I have 2 completely irrational fears. One is small dead animals (mostly birds) and the second is middle-aged women.

The bird thing is totally a phobia. I just cannot deal with them at all. Just the idea of their little stiff feathery bodies is making my skin crawl. No idea where this came from, but there is nothing I can do about it. When I come across one, my body stiffens up completely and I just look straight ahead. Either that or I jump. That used to be super awesome when I was in college. I would be walking through campus trying to look cool, and that would get shot to shit when I came across a bird carcass and jumped like a demented grasshopper. Bleah.

There's a dead bird in the tiny grassy area where I take The Cutest Dog In The World to the bathroom. Flips me out every time. I almost stepped on it two days ago, and I sent Lawyer a text saying "The dead bird has got to go. I really hope someone else's dog eats it soon." He answers with "Yeah that sucks. I would move it for you". Talk about a panty-dropper. That is romance, people. I am not joking.

The other fear is much more serious. Middle-aged women totally terrify me. Not in a vampire/ghost/monster sense, more of a "oh holy shit is that where my life is headed?!?" kind of way. This is completely bitchy of me, I am aware. It's just that whenever I see one, in a sweatshirt with some crazy shit sewn on it, hair in a scrunchy, white tube socks and a trail of children it makes me want to cry. What happened to these women? Did they used to be cool? Did they wake up one day and wonder what the hell happened to them? Do they care? It terrifies me to think that one day I could look up and realize that my children are my life, that I have let myself go and I am bitter about it, and taking it out on everyone else around me.

I developed this fear when I was a waitress my senior year of high school. They were the most demanding and the worst tippers of any other demographic. Nothing escapes their evil beady eyes. Ugh. Working in retail for the next few years after that did nothing to abate my fears. Let me tell you, working at The Gap during holiday season is the 9th circle of hell for a middle-aged woman hater like myself.

Now, let me make sure that I am clear that I do not include all middle-aged women in this category. I know quite a few cool ones. I do think it is possible not to fall into the trap, but shit I am scared.

Anyone else have irrational fears??

Intimidation

2008-11-11T14:23:00.004-05:00

What is it about ex-girlfriends or super-close female friends that just totally gets my goat? And yes, I love that phrase. Right now in my life, there are two such women.

The first is Lawyer's ex. In fact, not sure I have mentioned it, but she is his ex-fiancee. They were together for about a million years, all the way from early high school to post-master's degree. I feel pretty comfortable with the situation, knowing that she and I could not be more different than vinegar and sugar. I am totally the sugar, by the way.

She likes country music and George W. Bush. She is really short and brunette. She is a housewife type who is now engaged to some really old guy she started dating the week they broke up. She was OCD and controlling, and basically a stick in the mud. I am sure she has her positive qualities, otherwise they would not have been together. But whatever they are, she is a fucking idiot for letting him go. Lawyer claims, and I believe him, that they stayed together out of habit and safety, despite the fact that they were an awful match.

So, even though I am not really worried about her in any real sense, I still feel my eyes narrowing into a glare when I think about her. I dislike her for the way she treated him. I dislike her for the fact that she got him for all those years and all those memories. I dislike her because everyone in his life who meets me will compare me to her, even if they hated her.

The other girl is Lawyer's "work wife". I really really don't like this chick. While discussing me, she actually said to him "careful...it sounds like you are really falling for her, and that's going to cause problems". Let me tell you, I saw this girl for the first time this past weekend, and I could totally take her. With my hands behind my back. She is teeny tiny and has a Dorothy Hamill-esque haircut. Remember those? Yeah. They were still popular when I wore my stirrup pants under a huge sweatshirt with puff paint on it. And my boyfriend had a rat tail. We were totally the 2nd grade power couple.

When I saw this girl, let's call her Dorothy, for the first time at a bar, she was fakey nice to me and all over Lawyer. I was pretty drunk, and I know I could have reacted better, but I was pretty bratty. The good that came of it was a discussion with Lawyer where I admitted my feelings. I was hiding them, because I know this is a weakness for me. My only 2 real relationships had women like this cause serious, cheating-type, problems. Now he knows this, and hopefully the whole thing is a non-issue.

Why are women like this? I would trust Lawyer to the ends of the earth, but I wouldn't trust Dorothy farther than I could throw her. Not that I have contemplated throwing her...but you know what I mean.

12 reasons I won't date you...

2008-11-11T13:22:00.002-05:00

Just cause I have a BF doesn't mean I can't play too! I found this idea on this blog and thought it was a clever idea...so:

1. I won't date you if you pop your collar, or wear pastels in any significant quantity.
No offense, just not my thing.

2. I won't date you if you only listen to Top 40/Hip Hop/Country music.
I am a music snob. I admit it. But hey, it's important to me.

3. I won't date you if my dog doesn't like you.
He is a damn good judge of character, in my opinion.

4. I won't date you if you have low self-confidence.
If you don't like you, why should I like you??

5. I won't date you if you go to the tanning bed.
This totally creeps me out. Any guy that pays more attention to his appearance than I do to mine is out.

6. I won't date you if you are super sappy.
I feel like I have said plenty about this.

7. I won't date you if you are really "smooth".
I appreciate a little awkwardness in a man.

8. I won't date you if to you, a rockin' Saturday night involves the couch.
Unless we are having sex on the couch before or after some other activity, then I'm out.

9. I won't date you if you don't make me laugh.
I love a good sense of humor in a man. Arguably nothing sexier.

10. I won't date you if you believe homosexuality is a sin.
Yes, people that think this exist. And it makes me want to cry.

11. I won't date you if your mom picks out your clothes.
Cut the cord, people, cut the cord.

12. I won't date you if I ask you what kind of things you like to read, and you only read Maxim.
Even if it is only for the articles...

I thought that would be fun, but now I kind of feel like a picky bitch. Ha.

Random Thought Friday

2008-11-07T14:31:00.004-05:00

Since I missed RT Monday, and I have some random thoughts to share...here we go:

1) I decided Roissy is a douchebag. There are a few reasons why, but I will say that I think that Barack Obama is a stronger/more desirable man because his wife is a strong and intelligent woman. It is less desirable (beta? Depends on your definition) to be intimidated by strong women and therefore set your sites solely on the upper range of bimbo. Clearly Obama is comfortable enough in his skin to be with a woman who is comfortable in hers. To imply that he could be beta for having a "maneater" wife, but maybe he had an affair so he is alpha after all is disgusting.

Gigi and I have been reading his blog for awhile, and I appreciate the brutal honesty most of the time. Take this quote from today: "Here is the truth ladies: You ARE being judged primarily on your looks by men who want to fuck you. Get used to it. Your personality is only icing on the cake that matters more when the kinetic fucking turns into relationship potential." Harsh? Yes. True? Yes. I get that. I'm cool with it.

I know Roissy has all these complicated rules about what is technically alpha or beta, but I say fuck it. There are some truths behind the theory for sure but I am over it. I feel sorry for anyone out there that takes his "rules" literally and believes them to the letter.

2) Thursday night must be Douchebag (twice in one post! And I hate the word!) Night at my favorite bar. I rarely go out on Thurs night, it is too typical college kid for my taste. But the chips fell that way this week, so Roomie and I headed out last night in hopes of some good live music and a few g&t's. We show up, and what do we find? In place of the usual accepting/friendly/dive bar/hippie bar scene, there were popped collars on pastel polo shirts, 19 year-old girls in mini skirts and high boots and some girl getting violated by 3 guys on the dance floor. The bartenders and bouncers all looked annoyed. I sure as hell was. No more Douchebag Thursdays for me.

3) Mushy thoughts have invaded my brain. What is going on??? I have always been the kind of girl that appreciated a little romance, but nothing crazy. I hate Valentine's Day (too much pressure, way overdone and forced), cliches, and girls that are all about their boyfriends. But wait-now I am That Girl. What do I do about this?

4) Saturday night is my belated b-day celebration. It is going to suck, I am afraid. Everyone is flaking (Gigi you know that includes you) and I can't decide where I want to go. I had intended for it to be a girls night thing, I thought Lawyer had a wedding to go to. But he didn't so now he is coming. Of course I am glad, but it complicates things. Bleah. I am not sure what will go down.

5) I am also That Girl when it comes to guys in bands. Holy shit, do I love me a guy in a band. There are a handful of bands that rotate playing at my bar, and the guys tend to hang around on the nights they aren't playing. There are a few in specific that I love to look at. These guys are perfect examples of how a guy can work with what he's got. Of the three I am thinking of, NONE of them would be attractive if they dressed in khaki's and a polo or any other normal guy clothes. But instead, they wear cool shit and have tattoos. Band-guy hair completes the look...add a musical instrument and Bam! (oh, Emeril) you have instant sexiness. They know they are cool, they drink cool beers, so of course everyone else thinks they are cool. And I, I just think about the sex.

6) I have been thinking a lot lately about physical "types" and their significance. I know there is a biological drive there, but where do we learn what we are attracted to? I have always liked guys that were around 6', brown hair and a certain look to their face. Lawyer is 6'3'', blond hair and very manly chiseled face. My Roomie's BF (Shakespeare) is waaaay different from her usual type as well. There is a style component too. She always liked guys that were emo, or hardcore and Shakespeare is average-joe who goes hunting and likes country music. I always liked average-joe types who didn't care about clothes and Lawyer used to be super punk-rock and still has a "style". Does any of this make a difference? Can we unlearn our preferences?

Wow, those were some long random thoughts!

True Life I am Obsessed with True Life

2008-11-06T11:56:00.003-05:00

It's true, I am obsessed with a TV show. A TV show on MTV none the less. I think it should be required watching in school. No joke. I feel like I have learned countless lessons, from what it's like to be a stutterer to how scary I find the Jersey Shore. The people stay with me, and I remember their stories when I encounter similar situations in life. It just raises awareness for the plight's of others, and in our selfish society this can't be a bad thing.

That being said, The latest episode, True Life I am Living off the Grid is haunting me. You absolutely HAVE to watch it.

You can find it here.

These people go out into the woods for 11 "moons" (aka months for my fellow sell-outs) and learn to not take from the earth more than they need. They live on things like fish guts and deer head stew. Yup. Now, I consider myself "granola". I love hippies. I love to be outside. I love to go camping. I grew up adhering to the Leave No Trace principles of outdoor ethics. I was describing the episode to roomie and she said that the guy in it sounded like someone I would lust after. She knows me well. So here I am, watching this, thinking to myself that it was pretty cool and wondering if I could ever do it. Then things got crazy. PLEASE watch it. Around the scene about the clams, I lost it. A granola kid can only take so much.

OK I had to come back with this picture of Derik wrestling with his guilt over collecting the elder clams:

President Obama

2008-11-05T10:19:00.005-05:00

I am really not sure that I have the words to accurately describe the way I feel about the election.

I first noticed Obama in 2004 (along with the rest of the world) after he made his speech at the DNC. At the time I was applying to transfer colleges and one prestigious school required an essay about someone you looked up to. I chose to write about Obama, and I did a lot of reading, and a lot of research. When the whispers began about a potential candidacy, I held my breath. I did not allow myself to hope too hard, it seemed so unlikely. I have never cared so much about politics or wanted something so badly for our country. Even last night, as the numbers began to come in I held my breath. Optimism started to creep into my heart, and I waited. When the clock struck 11 and ABC projected CA and a few others putting him above that magic 270 I wanted to pinch myself. I finally allowed myself to feel everything I had been too scared/superstitious to feel before.

The joy that I felt then, and that I still feel now is indescribable. I believe in this man, and I feel confident that he will lead our nation in the new direction that it so badly needs. I am proud of this country for believing in him enough to elect him by such a margin. His speech was, as always, phenomenal. When he mentioned Michelle my eyes began to water. How can you not react to a relationship like theirs? He truly respects and admires her, and she is as smart and classy as a woman could be.

I admire the fact that he did not shy away from mentioning the obstacles ahead, and that he promised to be honest about them. His reach for those across the aisle is something that I really hope he can accomplish.

I know that this is kind of a boring post, but I feel like I needed to do justice to this historic event. My friend had a Facebook status up that read "Rosa sat so Martin could walk. Martin walked so Obama could run. Obama is running so our children can fly". While I think it is a GREAT injustice to Obama to focus on his race, I have to admit that I am happier knowing that my children will be born into a country that elected an African-American to it's highest office.

Condom Conundrum Continued

2008-11-03T15:16:00.002-05:00

I just want to say, that ever since my post about condom wrappers, my life has changed drastically. I see them everywhere. I would rather see dead people! I have probably seen 10 or so in a week. Including 3 actual used condoms. Seriously, I am sorry for ever mentioning it, if it causes any one else to see them as often as I have.

In Which Scarlett Fails at Halloween and Lawyer Meets the Family

2008-11-03T09:32:00.003-05:00

If anyone gets the reference in my title, I automatically like you.

I know it is supposed to be Random Thought Monday, but it is my birthday and my blog and I do what I want (just like Cartman).

I could attempt to entertain you with stories of my Halloween, but the fact that I do not remember any of the funny/mortifying parts will keep it short. As the title suggests, I failed at Halloween. My costume turned out super cute, but the next morning it was in pieces, some of them covered in vomit. Yup. I was That Girl.

I have only been sick from drinking one other time in my life, and that was 4 years ago. I blame the evening on the fact that roomie came home late and therefore I was drinking (and dancing, natch) by myself at home for quite awhile, and managed to get the best of an entire bottle of wine before I left the house.

I did have a lot of fun for the parts of the evening that I recall. However, I was awful to Lawyer when he came to see me, and he totally should apply for Sainthood for the way he handled it. And for the ridiculously adorable birthday presents he has given me today. I must have racked up some serious good Karma in a past life or something.

The really funny part that I DO remember is when some random guy asked my roomie if she was dressed as "a big fat donkey dick". She was a mouse. I was doubled over laughing as she sat on the ground refusing to go anywhere since she apparently looked like a barnyard phallus.

Sunday Lawyer met my family for the first time, and it went well. Not too embarrassing, except for when my grandparents told a story about co-showering. I love them.

I guess I would say that it was a good weekend, no permanent damage done I suppose. I am taking off work tomorrow, since no one else has work/school. I plan on VOTING and sitting around nervously waiting for the polls to close! Everyone get out there and vote!!!!

I have a Confession...

2008-10-28T09:51:00.001-04:00

I am a gamer. I love video games. There, I said it. It all started with some Super Nintendo Donkey Kong one summer during a hurricane in Florida. Then came the Game Boy, the N64, and later the Nintendo DS and a Wii. OK, so maybe I just love Nintendo? Actually, I thought the GameCube sucked balls, so that isn't totally true.

That being said, NOTHING makes me more uncomfortable than going to a game store. Nothing. Except maybe having the kids I babysit for ask me how the pregnant man got pregnant. Yikes. The game stores are full of awkward guys, and I stick out like a sore thumb. The male/female ratio, at least when I go, is somewhere around 1000:1. Guys like video games, I get it. All the guys I date like video games, and Lawyer even used to manage one of these places. So why is it that these "normal" guys are never the ones there when I go? I walk in and immediately wish I could trade my pink fleece jacket in for the trench coat or T Shirt with clever (read:lame) phrase that are apparently de rigueur. I keep my head down and hurry to grab whatever it is that I came for, which must be some kind of awesome to force me into this place to begin with. I swear I would feel more comfortable going in Hustler to buy some crazy assortment of things I won't type out for fear that people will google them and come to my blog.

My latest obsession is Mario Kart. Holy fantastic game, Batman. I loved the N64 version, and thought the DS one was mediocre. The Wii one, well, it rocks. And I am happy to report that my N64 skills totally translate. I see many cold winter nights ahead of me filled with Mario Kart and alchoholic beverages. And me, on the top of that podium at the end, with that shiny gold trophy spinning on the screen.

I feel so much better now that I have gotten this off my chest.

Oh, Shit.

2008-10-27T10:44:00.000-04:00

The weekend started with hanging out with Lawyer Friday night, and all day Saturday. Friday night we were talking, and I felt this tightening in my chest. I had a mini freak-out, where I wondered why anyone ever dates at all? I mean, there are only 2 possible outcomes. Either you live happily ever after, or someone gets their face crushed. It is almost always the second. Breaking up with Doctor and putting my life back together took EVERY fiber of my being. It was an incredible effort not to sulk, etc. and instead use it as a time of great self-discovery. I am SO thankful for the experience but I really am not sure that I could go through that again. At least not anytime soon. So I freaked about putting myself out there to have my face crushed. I also freaked about the fact that I do not know where I will be in 8 months. Or where Lawyer will be. Expiration dates freak me out. I don't even want to get into it.

So, Saturday was a perfect day, complete with pumpkin picking, hot apple cider, and a drive through the country. When I hung out with Roomie later that night we talked a lot about the freak-out, since she is in a very similar situation. We agreed to just try to live day to day, and realize that we lived through our last round of face crushings, and we will live through this. We held each other's hand through it before, and we will be there for one another if it happens again. While I am in the midst of talking it out with her, I get the following texts: "by the way...I miss you" 2 minutes later..."like crazy". I realized that I am in this for real, and if my face gets crushed it gets crushed.

I had agreed to seeing Lawyer Sunday for coffee. So we walked The Cutest Dog in the World to Dunkin Donuts and then hung out at my house. We had a really serious, really awkward conversation about lots of things, mostly our exes. I so did not want to have that conversation, and part of me was freaking even more about the new information, and the other part of me felt even stronger about him. It was messed up. He said something about feelings, and not wanting to freak me out. I said nothing would freak me out and he said it "wasn't important, never mind".
Then, while we were kissing (nothing too crazy, though), he blurts it out. "I think I am in love with you, Scarlett. I didn't want to freak you out, but I have wanted to say it the last 2 or 3 times we hung out". Now, I really had been thinking it was coming. But I thought I might be making things up, since it is crazy soon to say that stuff. I managed to squeak out that I thought I was in love with him too, that it freaked me out a little that I felt that way but not that he said it.Then we just sat there and said nothing, and it was wonderful.

All that went down at approximately 5pm yesterday. Since then it has been said 4 times each. I was afraid he would flip after he said it and feel like he said it too soon and act like it didn't happen. So far, so good. I meant it when I said it back, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't in shock. He makes me so happy, and we have so much in common. I want to be around him all the time. When we hang out time flies by. I am incredibly attracted to him. But I really cannot believe that this is where we are, or where my life is right now. It has happened so quickly. I have been feeling incredibly lucky lately to have found someone like this (online, to boot) but I was not expecting to feel this way about anyone anytime soon. I guess that is how it happens.

It's Random Thought Monday! Woo!

2008-10-27T10:15:00.000-04:00

RT #1: It is ALMOST Halloween!! I have a good friend coming in to town, and lots of drinking to do, so I am getting really excited! I need to not eat this week in order to avoid feeling like a whale in my costume, which for the record is not all that skanky. I am just hoping the weather holds out, I am not really feeling the huge-coat-over-the-costume look.

RT#2: My birthday is fast approaching. I need to figure out what I want to do. I think I will drag some friends (that means you, Gigi!) out to the bar. Of course I love my bar, but there is a bar down the street with ridiculous dance music and slutty older women that I always get a kick out of, so I may need to go there too. Either that or plan the party Roomie and I have been wanting to have, where it's only girls and you have to wear an old prom/bridesmaid/whatever dress that you would never get to wear again otherwise. That should be hilarious, but I think I may want to wear a fun new outfit and go out.

By the way, my birthday is Nov. 3 and what I REALLY want is to be able to say President Obama next January.

RT#3: Lawyer keeps asking me what I want for my birthday. I told him an elephant. We shall see what he comes up with. I told him "nothing" but that did not fly, even though I did actually mean it. I would be fine with a card. 24 is a little depressing for some reason, so I am not wanting any huge deal.

RT#4: I am pretty sure that my neighbors hate me for the activity that was going on in my apartment/room last night. At least, I would hate me if I were them. How fucking embarrassing.

RT#5:It is time for me to face the music and start seriously thinking about school next year. I haven't even been able to bring myself to look at the school websites to start to get organized. What is wrong with me?? Am I going to be working a shitty job the rest of my life because I am too scared/unmotivated to do otherwise? Am I just not ready yet?

RT#6: I found out last week that Roomie was sleeping with her new BF and hadn't told me. I felt betrayed that she was holding out on me. I feel like I tell her 98% of what I ever think and it really hurt me that she "couldn't figure out how to bring it up". How about "hey, so, me and Shakespeare are doing it"? Not that hard. I told her I wanted my friendship necklace back. I only half meant it.

RT#7: I have this weirdo neighbor guy that is overly interested in my dog. Last night I saw him and he identified me as "cutest dog in the world"'s mom, and asked if my dog was enjoying the fall weather. Huh?

RT#8: I have other stuff to talk about that is too long for a random thought, so it will get it's own post.

I Have Always Wondered...

2008-10-24T14:46:00.001-04:00

What is up with condom wrappers on the sidewalk?

Seriously. I have come across quite a few lately. Where are these people doing it? Why do I always see the wrappers, and never see the sex? Yesterday I was walking to work, on a pretty big/busy street and there was a condom wrapper. LifeStyles, if you are curious. Did they do it in a car parked on the street? If you could see where this was, you would know that seems pretty risky. In the bushes? Just on the sidewalk? Did they do it somewhere else entirely, like in a boring old bedroom, and are just now remembering to get rid of the evidence? I don't see the actual condom, so where did that go? Now, don't get me wrong here, I am all for trying new things and thinking outside the box, and have even taken advantage of some fairly public places myself. I guess I will never know. Unless I find myself getting hot and heavy with someone who knows the answer.

And yes, I am a little bitter that someone is getting laid and it isn't me.

some things I love

2008-10-23T10:26:00.000-04:00

Not only is EVERYTHING in my house covered in pet hair, but inevitably every time there is something I care about around, the beasts manage to ruin it.

Lately, especially with Roomie, I am feeling like the least moral of my friends. When did this happen??? I must have lost them overnight at some point and just not realized it.

I think I have a Facebook problem. For reals. Call me a stalker, but I love to study people. I like to try to figure them out, see what makes them tick. I love to people watch. However, this creates super awkward conversations when I realize I know WAAAY more than I should about some people. I like to think I am not alone, but maybe I am just kidding myself.

Caffeine is one of my "great loves" (thanks, Charlotte!). Coffee, Red Bull, whatever. I love it. I never get any kind of buzz from it like some people, but I sure as hell get headaches when I don't drink any! I could drink a pot of coffee and then take a nap. My grandmother drinks coffee ALL day long. So I like to think this is an inherited trait.

No explanation necessary, except to give you an insert from my convo with Roomie last night...

Roomie: I don't actually like alcohol, I just like being drunk.
Me: Oh, I like alcohol. Hmmm wine. Or gin. Or bourbon. Ohh and Blue Moon.
Roomie: I like to take shots so much more than struggling through a glass of wine.
Me: Struggling through a glass of wine? I struggle to remind myself that the gin and tonic in my hand is not, in fact, water.

the last 5 months

2008-10-21T10:05:00.000-04:00

Five months ago, I was miserable. I felt anxious in my relationship and unsure of it and myself. I loved him, I really did, but I know now that I was feeling cramped. I was insecure about myself in so many ways, physically and emotionally. I worried a lot about the future, and I felt an insanely strong need to hammer out the details of my life. I needed to know where my relationship and career were going. I felt old, much older than my real age. I was jealous of people around me who were carefree, but instead of admitting my jealousy I hid it behind judgment. I laughed with Roomie about the difference between who I was in my head, and who I was in real life. I had let myself go, stopped caring about my body or my appearance. I split my time between my house and his, feeling like my life was divided and nothing I needed was ever where I wanted it to be. I had drawers, closet space, a towel rack, a bedside table at his house. I was in family photos, got holiday cards from his parents and grandparents. I finally admitted to my mom that we were discussing details of an upcoming engagement. His parents already knew. We grocery shopped, napped, and showered together. He took care of me when I was sick, and listened when I bored him with all the little trials and tribulations of my days.

Now, everything is different. Over the last five months I have grown and changed in ways I didn't realize I needed to. I found confidence in myself that I have never had. Every day I work at becoming more like the person I saw in my head. I have discovered new interests and ideas for the future. I don't worry nearly as much, I feel at peace and confident that I will get to the things I want on my own time. I renewed my social life and allowed myself to be irresponsible and impulsive. I got my dog, and now my need to care for/dote on someone is fulfilled without overextending myself for a man. I have taken care of myself, dealt with my own emotions and let-downs. I slept alone and learned to fill my free time. I let Gigi talk me into caring a little about how my hair looks. I bought makeup and clothes, and rediscovered my love for getting ready for a night out. I have consumed my weight in gin and tonics, worn uncomfortable shoes, and smoked about a million cigarettes. I made out with too many guys, and made some mistakes. I am insanely happy.

It's funny to think that sometimes we really don't know what is best at the time. You just have to make decisions as you go and hope it all works out. I was on one path, and then all of a sudden barreling forward on another. I thought I would be devastated, that I would feel empty and alone. I could not have been more wrong.

OK, that is the end of my super-serious post :)

Random Thought Monday

2008-10-20T10:15:00.000-04:00

I decided that Monday is going to be random thought day. I am usually too scattered on Monday to put anything coherent together. So here it is...

Random thought 1: Why am I completely incapable of keeping my house clean? I am just not wired to clean as I go. I really wish that I was, I try constantly to do better, but no dice. The fact that I live in what could probably literally qualify as a petting zoo does not help. Blarg.

Random thought 2: WHY is my ex so completely incapable of being normal? Why did I never notice this while we were together? We had exchanged some awkward Facebook messages awhile back. I sent one, he sent one, I sent another. Nothing back. Fine. That was Sept 29th. He replies on Oct 19th. And it was pointless.

Random thought 3: I LOVE Halloween! I think costumes should be worn on any occasion possible. This year, I am going with a nautical theme. I taught sailing for a few years and love anything pirate/anchor/sail boat related. So I am wearing a sailor chick dress and I am pumped. I also may have bought my dog a sailor costume, complete with hat. Halloween AND an excuse to wear nautical shit?? Doesn't get much better. And you know what? I LIKE being a little slutty on Halloween and I'm not ashamed of it. I know its overdone, and stereotypical. So? When the hell else can I go out dressed like that? It's fun! I am attention whore and I am OK with it.

Random thought 4: Apparently, I am emotionally closed off. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend. Lawyer and I did not get to go to the zoo, because his law school something-or-other got moved to later in the day Saturday. I was really bummed, but we may go this next weekend. Anyway, I get this text on Friday: "How do you feel about dinner and a play tomorrow night? I will be dressed up already, we can get sushi around 6:30 and the play at 8. Are you down?". I swear I think this man is perfect. I love to get dressed up, and I freaking LOVE sushi. We had a fantastic evening together. He is incredibly open and sweet, without being corny. So he says all these serious things to me, expresses his feelings and what-not, and I just choke. I totally reciprocate his feelings, but I cannot bring myself to voice this. This is so unlike me. I am also terrified that he is going to find something soon about me that he can't deal with and change his mind. He said he thinks I am "insanely perfect". That is a lot of pressure! Also not like me. Or is it like me? Just not like the way I was before Doctor? Did his inability to have/express emotions rub off on me? Is that his legacy? All I know is that I have crazy feelings for Lawyer that seem to have come out of nowhere and I am not totally sure how to proceed.

Random thought 5: I think my mother and I need therapy. Seriously. All we ever do is snap at each other and get grumpy simultaneously. This is really new, we have always been close and open with each other. Now that she lives in my town, things have gone downhill. I really hope we figure out a way to get past it and enjoy spending time together. Right now I feel like I am in some level of hell whenever I am over there, and I find myself gritting my teeth a lot.

Random thought 6: I need to go out. I haven't been out since my party. That is over a week. I am not OK with this at all, I need gin and tonic and some live music. ASAP. I am thinking maybe Wednesday? Crossing my fingers.

Random thought 7: Today is Roomie's birthday. Since our birthdays are exactly 2 weeks apart, and we are both broke, we decided not to do presents. But I totally bought us "friends forever" necklaces and gave her hers last night. We are rocking them out today. This cracks my shit up. It was hard to find them without frogs or cupcakes or other stupid shit on them. Someone should totally make some cooler ones for cool grown-ups like us.

Random thought 8: Remember I said budgets suck? Well, they do. But I found this website, mint.com, that totally makes my life better. It is depressing when it tells me my net worth, but a great wake-up call and budgeting tool. I highly recommend it! After uploading all my info, I felt a newfound desire to get my financial life together. This included returning lots of things. Like my gorgeous new wine-colored slouchy boots. I was ready to do it, in my new responsible mode. Then this morning I decided I don't think I can do it. I will be responsible about something else. Those boots are too gorgeous and I need them. I give myself credit for at least trying.

Yay for a new week!

The ZOOOOOOOOOO

2008-10-17T13:28:00.000-04:00

So, I think that Lawyer and I are going to go to the zoo tomorrow. I am WAY more excited about this than any adult should ever be. For so many reasons. First, it involves an entire day with Lawyer. It seems that the more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him. Also, when we hang out time goes really fast. I think this is a good sign. Although, ask me again in late November/December when finals replace me in his life. This trip to the zoo also involves a small road trip. I love road trips! I love to drive places, and it is a great way to spend time with people. I love to go places with my roomie, and some of my best memories with her are from trips we have taken. Like the time we were on our way to Bonnaroo, stuck in the line to get in, and ate cold pizza I had to cut up with a pocket knife we had just purchased at a TN gas station.

The main reason I am so excited (OK aside from the penguins, the bearcat, and the lemurs) is what this means about Lawyer's personality. I begged Doctor to go to the zoo with me. Begged and planned for 2 years to no avail. He just wasn't in to that kind of thing. He would rather sit at home with his video games. I love to do this stuff, going places and trying new things. Festivals, parks, caves, outdoor theater, paddle boats, whatever, I want to try it all.

Lawyer, out of nowhere, says to me last Saturday "You know what? We should go to the zoo". I just about freaked. And now, a mere WEEK later, we are actually going (at least I am 80% sure we are, haha). I didn't have to beg, we are just going. I am a very very very happy Scarlett.

Bad Things Come in Three's...

2008-10-16T09:55:00.000-04:00

Oh man, so much has happened since I last posted. Let's start with the shitshow that was Friday. While preparing for the party, everything started going wrong. The worst of which was the first in my series of misfortunes. I had worked for DAYS, people, DAYS on my party mix. I LOVE music, and I do not take my party mixes lightly. So I had slaved away, and was happy with the result. I am standing in the hallway, and I hear a thud. Instantly, I knew. My F&^%*$ cat had pulled on the cord to my laptop, bringing it crashing to the ground from a height of about 4 feet. Yep. It's dead. That laptop is like my third arm, I love it more than anyone should ever love an electronic device. Luckily, I have Apple Care, and I do not plan on telling them what happened. I just haven't taken it in yet. Cross your fingers for me!

So then the party. It was SUPER fun, all my favorites (like Miss Gigi) were there. Lawyer also came, and it was really fun to be with him in an environment like that. I got WAY drunker than I intended, but that is just how I roll. So, enter misfortune #2. While walking home, like the drunk girl I am, I take my shoes off. The other members of my party were all preoccupied with a shopping cart they had discovered and I was lagging behind. Even in my drunken shoeless state, I knew that a shopping cart was an invitation for a Public Intox charge. So I lag behind, and SOMETHING happens. I do not remember what...all I remember is looking down at my toe, and thinking "Shit! That's a lot of blood!!" and then yelling for nursing-student Gigi. So Lawyer tries to carry me home, and finally we all made it. Gigi washes off the toe, and bandages it. I really should have gotten stitches, that's how bad it was. It was sick. Then it got infected...so that's #2 on my list.

Sunday I plan to go to urgent care ASAP Monday about the toe. I start feeling funny....and worry that I have contracted MRSA. I start giving roomie instructions for what I want to happen to my dog when I die. I go in Monday morning...and I have strep throat. Yay, me! So there it is...bad thing #3. I spent the next three days miserable as all hell, with a fever and unable to eat.

So here I am, back at work on Thursday, hoping that it doesn't get too cold for the flip-flops that are my only shoe option at the moment. In other news, things with Lawyer are going completely fabulously. The morning after the party (he stayed over) we walked with my dog to Dunkin Donuts (we are both huge fans), drank huge amounts of coffee, and then spent the rest of the day on the couch watching DVDs. It was pretty cute, and pretty ridiculous. We decided to have another go at the exclusive thing, and he promised to be around more. So far, this is going really well. He stayed over last night, and it was so very fun. I have seriously missed sharing the bed with a boy. As much as I love sharing the bed with my dog, it is just not the same as a tall, yummy-smelling, warm boy. Who happens to be the perfect level of touchiness for me. Have you ever shared the bed with someone who was not compatible in that department? Miserable. But no, Lawyer is perfect. I could get super mushy here, but I won't since reading it would make me want to barf. Let's just say how very glad I am that roomie has a BF and I can send her away so that I can have cute sleep-overs with my new boyfriend. It is scary at the same time, I forgot what this feels like. The initial falling phase...the nervousness and how every little thing stays with you, and gets replayed over and over. I keep thinking of things at my desk and smiling like an idiot. Somehow, it makes my streak of bad luck a little more bearable.

the good, the bad, the ugly (part 1)

2008-10-08T10:23:00.000-04:00

The time has come...for a post about online dating. Because, seriously, there is a ton of material out there. I signed up for eHarmony after doctor and I broke up. Mostly, it was a way to test the waters. I hadn't dated in a few years and my game was pretty rusty. I felt like I had completely forgotten what it was like to consider the male species in that light. I also did not want to rely on bars as a way to meet men, especially since I live in a college town and am a good couple of years older than the average guy here. My buddy Gigi had done it, with shall we say "mixed" success, so I decided to give it a try. I also get on match.com every once in awhile to see if doctor is on there, since I once found his "old" profile on there after we had been together almost 2 years. Pretty cool, let me tell you. So that is my online dating background. Let's discuss what I have seen in my few months trolling for men on the net.

Every morning I get 7 matches sent to me. Without fail. I have NO idea why it is always 7, but it is. In 3 months, I have gotten exactly 765 guys suggested to me. Think about that for a second. 765?!?! I would say that I close at least 5 out of the 7 right away. I will get to the reasons later. I have communicated with approximately 30 of them. From the 30, I have met and been on dates with 2 guys, and asked out by one other. There are the statistics.

On my second day as a member, I was sent Lawyer's profile. I thought he looked like a complete dork. His pictures are AWFUL. Not that he looks awful in them, but the other factors (background, pose, outfit, etc) all pointed to creeper. He sent a request to communicate, and I went along with it. After a few messages, I started to reconsider my opinion of him. We are both dog-loving, outdoors-loving, wine-loving, coffee-loving vegetarians. So we met for coffee a week or so later. And now we are dating on a semi-regular basis. I suppose you could call that a success.

The other guy I met was Zach (jerks don't get aliases). In one of the stages of eHarmony communication, you send the other person a list of your "must haves/can't stands" that you choose from a list they provide. My list of can't stands includes "Rude-I can't stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation". I go on three dates with this guy. First date, we are at a concert and there is confusion over our seats. He calls this random girl a bitch, to her face. Strike 1. Second date, we take my dog to the park. Dog doesn't like him...strike 2. Date three, we go out to eat and he uses an offensive term aimed at Hispanics...loudly...in a Mexican restaurant. And you're out!

more later...

Monday randomness

2008-10-06T17:00:00.000-04:00

Random thought 1: Budgets suck. At least, mine does!

Random thought 2: I have a hot Veterinarian. Are you allowed to date your Vet? Or is that some kind of ethical violation?

Random thought 3: I think I am over Boyscout. Which MAY be the answer to some of my questions about chemistry. Maybe it serves no purpose other than the physical one? Maybe when you feel that physical chemistry your mind tries so hard to justify it, it creates things that are not there. Hmmm.

Random thought 4: I got the worlds cutest text from lawyer last night. I was grinning so hard I could barely stand it. What is wrong with me??? I think maybe he is playing games.

Random thought 5: I need a vacation. Badly. If I do not get out of this place soon, I may implode. It isn't even that I don't like it, I do, but I need a break!!

Random thought 6: Someone volunteered to pay for all of my Aunt's $1200 wig (she recently was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and started chemo today). Whoever it was insists on being anonymous, even to my Aunt. If and when I ever have any kind of money, I want to do stuff like that. Clearly giving for giving's sake, not for recognition.

Random thought 7: My roomie's birthday is in 2 weeks, which means mine is in 4. I have no idea what to get her! For mine I want a trip to the all-you-can-eat sushi place! Oh, and some gin and tonic, of course.

Random thought 8: This girl just walked into the office butchering the leggings look. I like this look for fall/winter, because hey, I get sick of pants. But I have been really careful about what I wear with them, etc. so as to avoid looking like she just did. I wish I had a picture.

Random thought 9: I am so totally over online dating. If I get one more profile sent to me with no picture, a brief description and engineer as the job title, I will scream. I have met a bunch of engineers, and no offense, but in general I don't see that as my type. So why are ALL my matches engineers?

Final random thought: I am so very desperate for a project, I made a list of all the things that need to be done for the party as far as cleaning, and then divided it by days between now and then. Good grief.

hope springs eternal

2008-10-04T16:58:00.000-04:00

Well, last night was my date with lawyer. It was incredible. He came over to my mom's (I was dogsitting while she was out of town) around 8, and didn't leave until 3:30. Get your minds out of the gutter, it was not like that! I wish it was. I told you he is super slow! But we drank wine (I found out he loves wine too, so he shot up major points for that), watched 2 movies and then just talked for hours. I really really really really like him. I feel like we are starting to slowly break through some of the things that were bothering me. My dog loves him, so of course that helps. There was some cutesy touching, which I really appreciated.

I am not going to lie, I think he is pretty hot these days. He is so damn tall! It takes a REALLY tall guy to hug me and make me feel little. Actually, I am not sure that has EVER happened. But he just pulls me in, and tucks me under his chin. I hate all you short girls out there that get to feel like this all the time. You bitches better appreciate it. There was this one point, when he just touched me in a super innocent way, and I swear to God my body was on fire. I have never felt anything like that before, even with boyscout.

So, all this leaves me wondering, since I am female and all, where this is going. I *think* I want to be exclusive with him again. Maybe? I know for damn sure I don't want him dating anyone else! But of course, I really enjoy meeting new guys, being an "uncontrollable whore" (my roomie's exaggerated saying that I love) and all that jazz. So basically, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I know there is no rush on this decision, and next week will play a big part in it. I also know that I will probably have to bring it up, since he did last time and I was the one to say I didn't want to be exclusive anymore.

I am fully aware of how ironic this post is. It's mushy, and I just said I hated mushy. It does make me want to throw up in my mouth a little. But that is OK. I am not sure that I am ready to give up my single ways, and I know I am not ready to accept any Shakespeare-laden roses, but I feel like I will know either way soon. So watch this space!

Next Friday is our big party. We are having people over to our house, then to my bar to see a crazy band. Lawyer is coming, as I said before. I am hoping to trap him into being drunk and staying with me. It is also a huge deal because I said that I was never going to bring a guy to my bar until I was engaged or something ridiculous like that. So I am seriously violating that rule, although I feel like the band and the party and group setting make it extenuating circumstances. And it will never happen again. But what if all the people I know there notice? What if they stop giving me big drinks because they think I have a boyfriend?!?! Ugh. Hopefully showing up alone a few times after that will cancel it out.

This upcoming week will be a whirlwind of cleaning (I need a project, badly!) and planning what fun drink we will serve, and me freaking out about what to wear and whether or not I am ruining my bar. I promise to find something less mushy to write about!

I know you did not just say that

2008-10-03T16:05:00.000-04:00

Me: Hey, Roomie, wanna bring your new BF (lets call him Shakespeare) to hang out with me and lawyer tonight? We can watch a movie or whatever. EDITORS NOTE: I have only seen this guy once, for like 30 seconds so I am making an effort here.
Roomie: (smug voice) I dunno. I always think its weird to double date with someone in a different relationship phase than you.
Me: Uhh what, are you guys like gross?
Roomie: (continue smug voice) Well, he's pretty affectionate...we are hopeless romantics.
Me: Forget it. And tell him to scale it back next week at our party. No one wants to see that shit.

Seriously? Seriously? Thanks for being condescending! You are totally making me hate this guy that I don't even know. PDA is not OK. Keep your shit in check. Do whatever when you are alone. They have been dating like a month MAYBE and lawyer and I had our first date 4 months ago. Different strokes I guess. At least I still have the prospect of new and exciting guys. And I don't have to listen to anyone read me poetry.

And, I really really really hope I did not get that attitude with her when I was with doctor and she laid around for a year and a half crying over her ex like a crazy person.

I think we need to have a talk.

I hope this evening with lawyer goes well, who the hell knows. I am grumpy now, and he is being a little ambivalent. I think Gigi and I need some happy pills. Or a cigarette.

so very ready for the weekend

2008-10-02T10:30:00.000-04:00

Is it Friday yet? Ugh. I did finally get to go out last night. And what a night it was. The boyscout was there. Yep. First thing he says to me: I only came out for 4 beers, and I already had 3. Translation: we will not be up till all hours tonight/I didn't think I would see you here or I wouldn't have come. It was interesting, I still felt that "pull", but it was decreased. Maybe because he was fairly sober and not as outgoing as normal. However, he did stay for 2 beers (heh) and a bunch of cigarettes.

I seriously suck in this situation. At least I know this.

In other news, I saw the godfather. He did not give me free drinks, but he did give me BIG drinks. They have these teeny little cups they normally use, and then the big water cups. Big water cups full of gin and tonic=a very happy, very drunk Scarlett.

I seriously, seriously love that place. I love all the people that work there. The bouncers kick out guys that bother me, and they make the best gin and tonic ever. The music is ridiculously fabulous most of the time. I know all the regulars. I love it so much, I guess I should marry it.

I also have not one, but two dates lined up with the Lawyer. Three Fridays in a row, watch out! I am really excited, I like spending time with him.

I think I need a new hobby. I am not sure that drinking like a 19 year old and being as boy-crazy as a 16 year old are respectable hobbies. I really cannot decide if it is time to settle down, maybe really go for it with Lawyer? Or is this a healthy reaction to 2 years of nights at home with the ex?

last night

2008-09-30T15:12:00.000-04:00

How I hoped it would go:
Go home, play with puppy for awhile. Eat something. Get a giant redbull and get ready for the evening. Wear one of my many "wear before it gets too cold" outfits. Go see this band at my bar that EVERYONE was talking about. See all the people that I love to see that are always there. Have a bunch of gin and tonics. See if the godfather really would give me my drinks for free. Laugh and joke with roomie. See some cute guys. Talk to some cute guys. Walk home, maybe get something to eat. Take the dog out, put him in my bed, pass out.

How it actually went:
Went home, was mad at roomie for not leaving the cash she owed me, after I asked her to. Got my mega veggie pizza (hey, I LIKE healthy pizza!). Ate the pizza, watched the SATC movie (not the sappy movie, Netflix didn't get it here). Read a book. Roomie came home. Dog ate a battery. Freaked out, called the vet. Watched him for excessive drool or foaming at the mouth. Was childish and ignored roomie, since she didn't want to go out with me as promised. Went to sleep with dog snuggled under my covers.

I know, my life is glamorous. I am still holding out hope that I can convince someone/anyone to go out with me tonight. It's trivia night, people! I need to get out of the house!

My September

2008-09-30T14:57:00.000-04:00

Following Gigi...I CANNOT believe that it is almost October. I am freaking out. Where has this year gone? Is this what happens when you get old?!?

This September I:

-Survived the busiest time of year at my job for the first time as a full-timer
-Got my puppy close to house trained
-Read a TON of books
-Became obsessed with The Office
-Went to some really fun events at my bar
-Was on the winning team for a Trivia Night
-Was sick
-Mixed alcohol and Mucinex DM and can't recall an entire night
-Saw Vampire Weekend
-Saw The Avett Brothers
-Saw an old friend in her new city
-De-friended my ex on Facebook
-Re-friended my ex on Facebook (his request)
-Played hooky from work (shut up, Gigi!)
-Let some of my break up grief catch up with me
-Decided not to let it, as much as I can help it
-Tried to start a relationship with a friend
-Learned that is a bad idea
-Became un-exclusive with Lawyer, even though I still like him
-Started and quit the allergy diet
-Lost a few lbs
-Got my puppy onto the company website
-Did crazy amounts of laundry and organized my room
-Found out my aunt has breast cancer
-Finally talked to MP (aka "the godfather")
-Had my last night with the boyscout :(

It is amazing to me how this Summer has gone. Had I done this exercise for the other months, it would be insane. My life has changed so much, and so much has happened it's hard to believe. Here's hoping my Fall is as great!

spinning my wheels

2008-09-29T17:05:00.000-04:00

This has been a shitty day. Told you I hate mondays! I have been having some pretty serious mood swings lately. At the moment, I feel really pretty lonely. I was watching some couples on Friday night, and I miss those little touches. The physical stuff in all respects really. And now, that my friendships are going through some rough spots, I am really feeling that lack of the support system that comes from a long-term boyfriend. I know these are not reasons for being with anyone, but I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn't feeling this way.

In the past, if roomie (or anyone, for that matter) was shitty to me, or didn't have time for me it was no big deal. I had doctor (EM). He was always willing to spend time with me, doing something to cheer me up. Now I have to rely on myself to do that. And it is scary. I am not sure I know how. Guess I better figure it out pronto!

So, tonight is looking like a night with some (healthy!) pizza and a super-sappy movie. Maybe I need some wallowing? Instead of what I usually do, which is barrel ahead at full speed until I crash.

I think I am just tired of this town. Most of my friends have moved away or have real jobs and/or husbands. I am the only one I know with a real job that still acts like a college kid and likes it. Where can I find people like me to hang out with? People with tons of energy, girlfriends that don't always put guys first?

Sorry for being emo :) I feel a little better.

what we need

2008-09-29T10:16:00.000-04:00

This weekend, over some FABULOUS all-you-can-eat sushi, roomie and I had an interesting conversation about what we need from men.

I need an alpha male. But not too alpha. I need someone that will not let me walk on them. I need a little bit of a challenge. Not in a game-playing way, just someone with a strong enough personality to go head-to-head with mine. I need someone really smart, that works hard at whatever they do. Most importantly, I need just the right balance of being cute, and interested without being sappy or desperate. This is key. I absolutely cannot deal with desperation. I do not want you to write me a poem. I do not want you to compose a song, or play me a song that reminds you of me (unless it is something cool and not cliche). I do not want to sit around and stare at each other and talk about our feelings. That makes me want to vomit.

Earlier, I mentioned that lawyer has this whole thing down pat. This is mostly true, with the exception of the slowness. However, maybe if it were faster I would have run away? We will never know. Anyway, an example of this was the night we had our first kiss. He took me to an outdoor play (I LOVE doing fun and new things like this) and then when he brought me home, it was awkward so I got out of the car and headed for my door. He came up behind me with flowers that he had in his truck. He didn't say anything corny, just gave me these gorgeous flowers (not cliche roses, but a pretty mix of lilies and some other things) and then kissed me. It was perfect. I sent him a thank-you text, and he sent one back saying that he thought I was fantastic. See what I mean? Just right.

Now, on the other hand, there is roomie. Her new BF makes my skin crawl. Sure, he is a nice enough guy, and good looking, but he is clingy and desperate and reeks of beta-ness. First of all, they spend crazy amounts of time together. Second of all, he went away for a weekend to hunt (yeah, I know) and spent his time sitting in a little tree house writing her a 2 page "letter of intent" as in "I intend to always respect you, care for you..." GAG. And the worst of all: he left her a single red rose on her car with a Shakespeare quote. Romeo and Juliet, none the less. So here I was, thinking about how lame the whole thing was, when she shed some light on the whole thing for me. It's about confidence. She does not believe that she is as fabulous as she is, and that anyone would want her. So she needs constant reassurance, constant "I like you"s.

This breaks my heart. She is a fantastic girl; cute, smart, talented. Why does she need some sappy beta to tell her this? I will never know the answer. I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone is like me, not everyone needs or wants the same things. But it is so hard not to judge! I have been told a few times lately that people consider me "confident". I am not sure how I feel about this. I don't really think about it, but I guess it is true. Not in an "I think I am so hot and fabulous" kind of way, but in that I fully believe that I deserve certain things, and that I am capable of being alone if that is the better option. Lots of women aren't like that. And sometimes, I judge them for it. Is that such a bad thing? I mean, couldn't we all afford to think this way?

OK, so I am pushy. I am going to work REALLY hard on accepting other people's choices and needs, even if they are far from my own. Wish me luck!!

weekend recap

2008-09-29T09:58:00.000-04:00

Ah, monday morning. Bane of my existence. This weekend was a decent one, nothing ground-breaking. Actually, it was my first entirely sober weekend in a LONG time.

Friday night I got to see BL (from here on out, "lawyer"). It was a pleasant surprise. He is really busy these days, and I tend to book up my social calendar far in advance in order to avoid spending nights alone with my dog. Lately, this has become even more of a challenge since AR (from here on out, "roomie") got a new boyfriend. More on that later.

Anyway, lawyer came over and we watched a movie. It was really really nice. I really do like him, I just don't know how to move forward with this. It's funny, I think that we both like each other equal amounts, which is a nice change. But everything is moving so sssllllloooooooowwwww and I am a whore for male attention. It is REALLY hard for me not to seek that out elsewhere if I never get to see him. But I think if I saw him a lot I would totally fall for him. And fall hard.

So here is the plan. Either this weekend or next, roomie and I are having a party. We throw kickass parties, but the last one almost got us evicted. So this is going to be a mini-party. People come over, drink and whatnot, and then we all go out to the bar. Now, if lawyer comes we will go to a bar with a great guy that sings fantastic classic songs. If he flakes, we will go to my bar where I have lots of mens to satisfy my never-ending need for attention. The whole point of this is to get lawyer drunk. See what happens. We need a catalyst! Desperate times, and all that jazz. He lives like 30 minutes away, so if he drinks he will have to stay. I plan on giving him the option of the couch. If he takes it, game over!!!

Alpha or Beta???

2008-09-26T14:30:00.000-04:00

So I have a disgusting fascination with this blog. This guy basically gives instructions on how to have"game". He uses the terms "alpha" and "beta" to describe men. I see a lot of truth in a lot of what he writes, though I am sure if I met him I would hate him. Like I said, I don't feed egos. So I am going to use his alpha/beta terms to examine a few guys. I will probably use these terms a lot in the future as well, as it applies to new guys.

Here we go.

EM: I am really not sure about this one. Beta because I could usually talk him into anything. Beta because he was usually a nice guy. He didn't have much dating experience at all. Alpha because he was cocky, and grew up privileged. He could be an asshole when he wanted to. He was never sappy. So maybe he is a rare hybrid?? What would you call that anyway?
BL: Alpha. Classic nice guy, which can lean on beta, but he is successful and going to be a lawyer. He is attractive and a good kisser. A basic "good catch". He also seems to know how to play the game pretty well. Aside from the school shit, he knows when to give attention and show interest without looking desperate or clingy. Just enough.
MK: Ugh. Alpha because he is an asshole that I cannot convince to be mine forever :)
AF: This guy that I hang out with, used to be a fun guy to party with until I made the mistake of developing feelings. He makes an interesting case. I totally thought he was a beta. He can be awkward, and doesn't seem overly confident. I pegged him as beta and figured I could have him if I wanted. Wrong. He is a secret Alpha. Turns out he knows how to play hard to get, and has significant dating experience. He had a HOT long-term GF not too long ago. He has a lot of friends and is a generally "cool" guy. Damn my incorrect intuition on this one!
MP: The manager of my bar. He is pretty alpha...cocky, smooth, attractive, and the manager of a bar. He dresses well and has really cool friends that scare me. In general, I am really intimidated by him. I started to notice him noticing me, if you will, awhile back. But I was nervous around him, and besides I know he flirts with everyone! So I ignored him. Then I saw him be a total jerk and REALLY ignored him. Well, this intrigued him and he is trying to win me over. He knows I think he can be a jerk, and this bothers him. Like I said in Gigi's rules, hard to get really works with some guys. So maybe secretly he is beta? Because he is seeking my approval? Jury is still out on this one.

So, this was a long and probably boring post, but I am very interested in this alpha/beta theory and its real-life implications. I hate weak men, so I think it has some strength for sure.

Gigi's rules

2008-09-26T13:57:00.000-04:00

I got this from Gigi's blog. I think she wrote it a few years ago, so I am going to add my notes in pink.

1)Never date a man who has dated someone for longer than 2 years. Entirely too long to date someone without having married them. He will make you wait an eternity before putting a ring on your finger, if ever. And he will make it abundantly clear that he is is not ready for a relationship. Move on.

OK I have to disagree a little here. We all have pasts! They should not be held against us! What SHOULD be held against men, is the bitterness factor. I HATE bitter men. I mean, come on, whatever tragic past you may have is not my fault! We have a co-worker with the BIGGEST chip on his shoulder and it drives me NUTS. I just feel like men who do that secretly want some girl to come along and try to "crack" their tough exteriors. Please. Get over it. I did, you can too. We all get hurt. Live and learn. I just never want to be that girl that is all "oh poor baby, you got so hurt. It's ok that you are acting like a jerk...its because you have had a tough life. You can dwell on it all you want and I will be here for you". No.

2)Never date someone who's been cheated on. Their ego has been bruised and will therefore never be mended. Even when you yourself promise you'd never cheat and you offer them your heart and soul on a silver platter. They pretty much hate all women at this point and will strive to find new and interesting ways to push you away.

Hmmm yeah. I can see this. There are some men that just assume that all women are cheating sluts, and you will never change their minds.

3)Never try to make something out of nothing. Not even if you like the guy should you try to create a relationship after you've already hooked up with him. NEVER works.

Amen. I always try to think of examples of when this has ever worked, and I only have one. My cousin SE. In general, though, I think it always leads to an epic fail.

4)If you feel yourself falling too quickly, have a trusted friend smack you across the face. It will hurt significantly less than when said object of affection stomps on your heart.

Had you asked me a few months ago, I would have totally agreed. But now, I am not so sure. The situation with MK makes me rethink. I KNOW that he is going to crush my face. I know it. Inevitable. But I would rather go through that roller-coaster than sit at home and never feel the way I feel about him. I am in this whole "life is beautiful. You get hurt but that just illustrates the depth of emotion you are capable of" phase at the moment.

5)If you have fallen too quickly, you have probably made this person up in your head. You're in love with the person you want him to be, not the barely cute, not that great, burp-in-your-face-and-thinks-it's-funny person he really is.

In response to this, I have to just insert my favorite love-related quote of all time: "If a woman tells me: I love you because you're intelligent, because you're decent, because you buy me gifts, because you don't chase women, because you do the dishes, then I'm disappointed; such love seems a rather self-interested business. How much finer it is to hear: I'm crazy about you even though you're neither intelligent nor decent, even though you're a liar, an egotist, a bastard" -Slowness

6)If he doesn't return your phone call/text/email, promptly erase him from your phone as he has erased you from his mind. Stop yourself before you plead to know why you haven't heard from him, it really doesn't matter.

For sure. Let it go. He's just not that into you. It sucks.

7)Give your phone to a friend when you drink b/c you'll regret the secret text you sent him from the ladies room no matter how innocent it is to just say, "Hi". And never leave a drunken message, or any message for that matter, you'll only sound crazy.

Yes yes yes! Beware the drunk text. Ugh, I do this a lot. Always seems like a good idea, never is.

8)Never ask mutual friends or other guys about him. Guys are trained from birth to never rat on their own species. So even if he is a sleaze ball, they will tell you, "Yeah, he's a nice guy". Draw your own conclusions based on real experiences.

Not being a small-town girl like Ms. Gigi ;) I don't have much experience with this, but I do know a few men (my cousin-in-law) who will tell the truth. It just has to be a guy that you KNOW is really looking out for you. Otherwise, she is right, they are trained to hide their asshole ways.

9)Never get caught up in things he says or how he behaves when you are alone. This is not the true him. Actions speak so much louder than words and should thus be the basis of his analysis.

OK, not sure on this one. EM was TERRIBLE with words, but would do things to show how he felt. So I think it depends on what kind of mans you got. I would say, however, BEWARE of any man that always knows the right thing to say! Smooth guys give me the creeps.

10)Missing him the minute you leave him, or the nagging feeling in your stomach when you're not with him is not love, it's infatuation and the anxiety from not knowing when you'll see him again. Not a good feeling.

I agree here. Especially the part about seeing him again. Ugh.

11)Being miserable and in a foul mood when he's messing up or not around is also not a sign of love. It's a sign you've let some reject into your heart who shouldn't be there in the first place.

Agreed again. I dated a guy like this once. I was pissy the entire time because I never knew what he was up to. It was a total trainwreck, and I haven't talked to him in almost 3 years even though we have a ton of mutual friends.

12)If a guy treats you like shit, show him the door. Don't ever let him apologize or take his apology as sincere. It's pretty much bs, and if you take it once, he'll expect you to do it every time.

Completely agree. I will never understand women than continuously let loser guys treat them like shit. Do you have no confidence? You don't think you are better than that??!? Is his c*** made of gold? He has no redeeming qualities, he cheats on you, blah blah blah. Once he knows he can walk on you, you may as well change your name to doormat. I hate women like this. Man, I need to learn to form an opinion.

13)If a guy only texts you, he either has communication problems, or he doesn't want anyone to know he is contacting you. Either way, not good. A man needs to pick up the phone when he wants to talk to you, and leave the texting to flirting and witty banter.

I love texting for flirting and witty banter. Plus, you can text off and on all day with cute stuff. It's great. But it doesn't replace face to face or phone conversations. Especially for important things.

14)Sex can attach you to someone without you even realizing it. We're not all Samanthas, even when we want to be. Even dear old Sam got attached to jerk off Richard. Prolonged exposure to loving affection from a man will make you love him, even if he's otherwise a louse.

I sometimes think Samantha screwed us all over. She is fictional, and I think it is unfortunate truth about our gender that we are not really capable of acting like that without getting burned. I feel like I have a pretty healthy view of sex, but I am also realistic.

15)Always use condoms. Even if he says he won't, he will, and who wants the baby of a guy who has lukewarm feelings about you.

:)

16)If a guy doesn't call when he says he will, there has not been a tragedy, something better came up. Delete, delete, delete. It's therapeutic to see his name go in the trash can.

Or defriend him on Facebook...a little window will pop up that says "are you sure you want to remove EM as your friend? You cannot undo this action. EM will not be notified". How fitting.

17)If a guy says he's shy and gets nervous around others, monitor how often he says he leaves his house, he may be a recluse! And who wants some social lepper as a boyfriend? Not fun!

Don't talk about my man like that!

18)Watch how much and how often he drinks. He may be hiding the fact that he's an alcoholic or he may actually be one. Moderation is crucial here.

I SAID stop talking about my man!

Yes, I am pathetic.

19)Turn off your phone when the bars close on the weekends, no good comes from these late night calls.

Heh. Define good.

20)Never under any circumstances date a bartender. You will wonder about all the hoochies who linger around the bar trying to talk to him. You will have to get used to dating your man during the week only, as he will have to work every night of the weekend, and you will probably be required (or you will feel compelled) to force your friends to go there too. Also people like to hang out after the bars close, who knows what happens then! Bottom line, just flirt with bartenders to get your drinks faster, that's all they're good for anyway.

This is a very valid point. These guys see everything. It is their JOB to flirt. You have to know this. But there are 2 cute ones at my bar!

21)Never let a guy know how much you like him. You have to play guys like they play you, that's what keeps them coming back for more. Ambivalence, nonchalence, and disinterest, will always get you the guy.

Totally true. The story of my life. I do not feed egos, and the ones with the biggest egos are always intrigued by this. They are used to women falling all over themselves, and I never do (externally, anyway). These Alpha males get all tripped up when you ignore them, and consequently do whatever they can to get your attention.

22)Always watch out for your girlfriends. If you hear some dirt about her man, let her know, no matter what. She may be angry, but it will be a lot worse when you have to pick up the pieces her dude left behind.

And tell her like it is when she needs it. LEAVE HIM ALONE, dammit. BAD NEWS. I am super protective of my friends, to a fault I would say. But hey, sometimes it helps.

23)Never date a married man, or a man who was once married. Can you say baggage???

No experience with this, but I imagine its true.

24)If your friend gets dumped, be prepared to pump her with alcohol and listen her cry for hours on the phone. Keep her busy, and check up on her a lot. Just remember that she will do, and has done the same for you.

Friends who will do this are the kind you keep. When you are lower than you ever have been, and someone makes you get up and out and listens to you whine, you are bonded forever. And she will need you to do the same.

And hey, I will use any excuse to pump someone with alcohol!

cast of characters

2008-09-26T13:13:00.000-04:00

Me: I am 23 (almost 24...ugh), single, and living in a college town in the Southeast. I graduated from college (early, to toot my own horn) with a degree in Psychology and a minor in French Language. I work in the office of a retail store, where I worked in college. Its a bullshit job, but I love the people who work here and it is VERY low stress. I think that I will go back to school in the next year or so, but for now I am just hanging out, adjusting to having no real goals. I am a vegetarian, but I eat fish and my favorite food is sushi. I have a cat that weighs almost 19lbs and a 6month old puppy who weighs 9. I live in a really cool loft with my best friend. My parents are divorced, my mom recently moved to my city and my dad lives an hour away. I love live music, and in my heart of hearts I am very "granola". I drink A LOT these days, and I am a regular at my favorite bar. I don't have TV, I read a lot and watch a lot of movies. I am completely obsessed with Gone With the Wind, and I *think* I believe in true love. At least for now.

Friends I will probably mention on a regular basis:

AR-my very best friend in the entire world. She is my roomie, as well. We spend a lot of time together, partners in crime and all that. She is younger than I am. We met in French class. We RARELY fight, which is a miracle, though I do get frustrated with her on a semi-regular basis. There is pretty much nothing I wouldn't tell her, and I am eternally grateful for her support.

SE-my cousin. We used to be best friends as well, and had a falling out a few years ago over my boyfriend at the time. We didn't really talk for a year. We have been SLOWLY rebuilding our relationship, and I think of her as the closest thing I have to a big sister. She is married and has a crazy successful career, and is only 2 years older than I am.

Gigi-my favorite co-worker :) Her blog is here. She is the only other young and single girl in the office. We sit right next to each other, but we work in a big room with 6 desks so a lot of time we use G chat for privacy...which is all good until we start laughing at the same time and people catch on to us. Oh well, we were probably laughing at them anyway.

Mens:

EM-my ex-boyfriend. We went out for 2 years, 2 months, and 2 days and we broke up in May. I have been slowly reassembling my life since then. We were going to get married, and even had a ring picked out that he was saving for. He got freaked out, and I walked. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We don't really talk these days. I would love to stay in touch, but he seems unwilling/unable. That makes it hard on me from time to time. In general I think I do pretty well with the whole thing, but sometimes a random event will set me off.

MK-the boyscout. Met him at my bar. I walked in and immediately turned to AR and said, "I want that one". We have a very strange magnetic chemistry that makes my stomach turn in knots and my cheeks burn. We have a lot in common, and I feel really comfortable with him. He always remembers every tiny little thing that ever was said or happened between us. However, he is almost 30, and an alchoholic loner. He drinks alone, on any given night of the week. No one goes into his apartment and he works a million hours a week. He lived with some girl for 3 years, was engaged, and hasn't had a girlfriend ever since. He is "burned", which I think is incredibly lame. He comes around, we spend a ridiculous night together, and then he disappears for about a month. Just enough time for me to start to return to normal before he comes back and turns everything upside down again.

BL-a great guy I met online. He is a 2L at the law school here. We dated over the summer, and eventually he asked me to be exclusive. Then school started back and I never saw him, so now we are just dating but not exclusively. He is incredibly smart and driven, and a fabulous kisser. He loves dogs and is also a vegetarian. He had the same GF for something ridiculous like 8 years, and they were engaged for 3. She left him for an old guy, and he claims that he always knew deep down that they would not get married. I do like that he didn't turn bitter and hateful towards all women. He does, however, move at snail pace and has distinctly high-school dating habits.

There are others, but these are really the only ones that matter (at least for now).